Cute Baby Pyramid Head fun
by MegFallow
Summary: Yes, the FINAL CHAPTER and end to my story, Peter goes home to his real father and Vincent gets a early xmas gift from Hellsing and Richard cries like a baby over a baby. Expect OOC,swears, and crude humor w some sexual content. PLZ Read and Review!
1. What should we name it?

**A/N: Greetings, this is my first Silent Hill fanfiction and I decided to make it a humorous one, I had gain some inspiration from a fic of DarkComet I previously read; so decided to try one of my own I hope you all enjoy reading it as I have done writing it...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Silent Hill, its characters and do not advocate child abuse or domestic abuse no matter how funny I make it sound**

**Summary: When a orphaned pyramid head appears at the doorstep of Ashfield Heights hilarity ensues.**

Our story picks up somewhere around Silent Hill and Ashfield Heights where a mannequin carries in one of her feet (?) a small wicker basket. The mannequin makes a boink noise shaking the rain water off its naked body as it goes up to the doorsteps of Ashfield Hieghts and places the basket on the front steps. It rings the door bell and runs off behind a parked car. After a few minutes nothing happens and it reappears out from behind the car again and rings the doorbell over and over again.

(a voice is heard sounding like Harry)

Harry: Okay, I'm coming! (he opens the door with a baseball bat in his hand thinking its a Jevovah's witness, he looks around and spots the mannequinn before it leaves) Oh crap its one of them-die leggy monster die! (proceeds to beat it to death until the bat is covered in the monster's blood then he drops the bat and wipes his hands triumphantly)

Harry: There we go! Alllllllllll done!

(he turns back up the stairs and trips over the wicker basket)

Harry: DAMMIT!

(a crying sound is heard in the basket)

Harry: (picks up the basket and looks inside) Hey Frank, I found another baby for your umblical cord collection!

Frank: Bring it on in!

And so, Harry takes the basket with the baby into the apartment. The door closes behind him as a pack of stray dogs pounce on the dead mommy mannequinn and rip it apart. Inside, Heather, Claudia, Eileen, and Maria are sitting around the fireplace in Henry's apartment (don't ask me why I just thought his apartment needed fireplace for rainy days) anyway they look up as Harry enters room 302 holding a basket.

A two foot pyramid head with a tiny diaper on pokes out from underneath the blanket. At once the women in the room just rush right over and fawn over it. Claudia picks it up and holds it in her arms as it makes cooing sounds and wiggles about.

Claudia: Where did it come from Harry?

Harry: I don't know I just tripped over it and it started crying...once Frank cuts off its umblical cord I will take it back outside...

Heather: No dad! Lets keep it!

Maria: Finally, I have a honest reason to strip for money and have politians, businessmen, and Vincent shove twenty dollar bills down my throng!

Heather: Yeah...wait, what did you say about Vincent?

Maria: Uh, nothing.

Heather: Okay!

Pretty soon James, Henry, Richard, Frank, and last by not least Vincent being dragged by Richard because he is so engrossed in a Penthouse magazine to care what is going on, come in from the kitchen and their jaws drop (except Vincent who is now staring at the centerfold) at what Claudia was holding.

Frank: Harry, you said it had a umblical cord-there is no umblical cord on that thing-at least Walter's cord was shorter than that!

James: Ahhhhhhhhhh a Pyramid Head-(waves his trusty plank around)-death to the monster!

Maria: (jumping in front of the baby protectively) Don't you dare James or else I won't let you touch my boobs!

James: (drops the plank in defeat) I will be good...

Eileen: Where did it come from?

Frank: Who cares, I needs me some umblical cord!

James: Shut up dad! (Frank picks up the plank and hits James over the head with it) OWWWWWW!

Frank: Don't talk back to your elders like that son!

James: (cries and points at Frank) Child abuse! Child abuse! Child abuse!

Henry: Dude, uh...technically its not child abuse when you are in your thirties...

James: Oh...well-domestic abuse! domestic abuse!

Henry: (smacks James in his forehead) Just go to sleep!

James: Night nights! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (falls on the couch and snores)

The room is quiet now save for the sound of James snoring and the baby pyramid head moving around and making baby noises.

Richard: What should we name the little shithead?

Frank: Shithead?

Heather: No! Then all the other kids will pick on him!

James: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Eileen: How do we know if its a boy?

Claudia: We will do what the Cult does with its kids give it a name based on if its face looks feminie or masculine and then we wait until it matures, it it grows breasts its a girl if not its a boy.

Frank: That's what me and my wife did with James.

James: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Vincent: I suggest we give it a unisex name

Frank: Gross, Vincent, its only a baby!

Vincent: No, that is not...what the heck is that thing (checks-yep baby PH) No, a name that can be given to both a girl and a guy...(points to the reader) you thought that the writer was going to make me a dull two dimentional sex addicted priest didn't you! WELL YOU'RE WRONG FREAKS! YOU-Oooo, helllllllllllllooooooo miss November!

Vincent picks up his girly magazine once again.

Richard: Well, in a messed up way Mister Chronic Masterbator is right, how about...uh...Jamie...

Frank: Jamie is a gay name...Leslie?

As the gang is discussing names for the baby pyramid head, Eileen goes over and picks it up shaking her car keys in front of it to make the baby happy.

Eileen: I think it looks more like a "Peter"

Richard: PETER! (laughs) OH YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!

Eileen: Shut up...Dick!

Richard: HEY!

Henry: (snickers) Yeah Dick...stop being such a dick!

Richard: I can't wait until Walter gets you both! (he stands there pouting while Henry and Eileen laugh over his ahem organ nicknamed...er...nickname)

Heather: I think Peter is a cute name I can be its big sister!

Harry: Honey, you are already a big sister...

Heather: I don't want to be Alessa's sister

Harry: Why not?

Meanwhile at Harry's house, Alessa is sitting in the living room playing with a box of matches, lighting up a match she stares at it transfixed until it burns all the way down her finger and makes her drop it in pain on the carpet...suddenly, the carpet bursts into flames.

Alessa: Oops! (she stands there and then runs out the door of the house as the flames and smoke get larger)

Back at Room 307 they hear the sound of firetruck sirens in the background as they watch Peter the baby pyramid head let out a big yawn and cuddle up to Eileen's chest.

Eileen: Awwww, its sleepy...

**_TBC_**

**_I hope you like this one, I promise to continue it after the christmas holidays are over and if you send me those review, since this is my first time doing a humur fic of Silent Hill please let me know how I am faring by constructive critism and suggestions for this chapter and next. So Long!_**


	2. Bath Time!

**A/N: And here is Chapter Two entitled "Bath Time!" **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Playboy or Silent Hill or Pepsi or VeggieTales...god I never thought I would ever see all that together in a sentence.**

**Summary: The females of Silent Hill find an orphaned baby pyramid head and decide to keep it much to the protests of their men as a result hilarity ensues.**

Its the next day, James is passed out on the couch (sleeping not from a hangover) the rest of the women are cuddling and playing with their unnatural newfound bundle of joy, and Harry has to live in a motel because of Alessa's "accident" with the matches in the last chapter. Now, its been one day, and the girls decide to give Peter the baby pyramid head a bath. Lets watch shall we?

James: (laying on the couch out of the corner of his eye he sees a naked baby with a metal cone on its head crawling around the room) We got a streaker!

Claudia, Maria, and Eileen come into the room holding bathing items.

Claudia: Come here you little escapee! (picks up Peter) Weeeeeeeeee!

Peter: (giggles)

Maria: Its time for us to give you a bath mister dirty butt...

Vincent: (appearing from the laundry room with a playboy magazine) Did someone say "bath"?

Eileen: (grabbing Peter from Claudia's arms) Go back into the laundry room Peter doesn't need to see those filthy magazines (baby talk) No he dosen't...Noooooooo he dosen't!

James: (mockingly baby talk) Someone kill me...yes they dooooooo...yes they dooooooooo! (puts a pillow over his head)

Henry: (walks past the couch) Vincent, what are you doing in my laundry room...at least do me a favor and take the wet clothes out of the washing machine and into the dryer for me.

Vincent: Um...(shifty eyes) I don't think you want _these_ wet-

Henry: Ew gross, shut up, I'm going to help the girls with their bath-

Vincent: (drops his magazine and leaps out of the laundry room) CAN I HELP?

Henry: (correcting Vincent) Uh...giving that "baby" a bath...

Vincent: Oh phooey! (picks up his magazine and goes back into the laundry room)

Henry: And don't forget to sort out the colored from the whites! (slams laundry door shut)

Inside the bathroom, seeing how Henry didn't have a tub, maybe it was because he was afraid of sitting there naked espeacially with a huge freakin' hole in the wall and the chances that Mister Walter the serial killar could probably be peering in watching him play with-I mean bath himself; so the girls found a bucket and filled it up with soapy water and placed Peter in it. The baby splashed around as Maria polished its metal cone head.

Claudia: Awww, its not fun without bath toys too bad we don't have any...

Eileen: I think Henry has some around here somewhere (she opens up the cabinet and pulls out a rubber ducky with a blue flower on its head and long feminine eyelashes)

Claudia: Why would-?

Eileen: Don't ask

Claudia: But-

Eileen: Don't ask!

Claudia: Bu-

Eileen: Don't ask!

Claudia: (says "But" in her mind)

Eileen: DO NOT BOTHER!

Claudia: (wierded out) Ooooooooookay...(puts the girly rubber ducky in the bath watching as Peter picks it up and moves it around cheerfully)

Maria: Oh, he likes it! (takes a scrub brush and starts rubbing the blood and filth off of the baby PH) Come on...get off you...lousy son of a-(the rest is cut of by frustrated growls)

Eileen: Maria, watch your language in front of the baby, this could the opportunity we've been looking for girls, we can teach it how to be nice, civilized, and not kill people. Be a functioning member of Silent Hill society.

Claudia: ...and this coming from a woman who wanted to sponser an annual "nudist day" in Silent Hill last year?

Maria: I would of participated-

Eileen: That was different!

Peter: (splashes the water and laughs)

Maria: Where is Henry, he was suppose to help us with bathing him

Henry is standing at the doorway behind Maria hypnotized by her butt as she leans over to scrub more gunk off of Peter the baby PH.

Henry: I am just...(transfixed) trying to find a towl...

A hour later...

Peter: (curled up nice and warm in a large white towl as he is sitting on Henry's lap with a feel good content smile on his face)

Henry: What should we feed it?

Maria: Well, its a baby...maybe it needs milk...(undoes her blouse and removes her bra)

Peter jumps out of the towl and latches onto Maria's breasts like a leech poking its sharp point into her boobs until skin breaks and they started to bleed. Maria dropped to the ground screaming bloody murder. As everyone just stood around and watched. Heather sipped on her Pepsi drink. Maria thrashes around violently as Peter keeps pecking on her breasts for over a minute.

Maria: No! Ahhhhhh! NOT THE LEFT ONE! NO! OUCH! PLEASE! STOP! STOP! BAD BABY BAD! I GOTTA GO TO WORK IN FIVE MINUTES I CAN'T HAVE MY BOOBS BLEEDING ON MY CLIENTS!!!!! OWWWWWWWWW...

Vincent: Don't worry Maria (takes out a kitchen knife) I will save you...and your large juicy jugs!

Heather: Vincent No, what are you doing!? Its only a baby!

Vincent: Oh yeah, you're right! (takes out a butter knife) here we go.

Heather knees Vincent in the crotch and picks up the hungry baby PH, after a while Maria gets up with various stab wounds all over her breasts. She goes over to the bathroom to get band-aides. The baby PH kept crying wanting to be fed.

James: Hey, I got it! (goes to the fridge and takes out a can of "PH baby formula")

Henry: That was in my fridge all this time, why didn't you say anything instead of putting Maria through all that?

James: How else was I going to have her flash us her boobs?

Frank: I can't believe you James...that is why you can't have nice wives! (whacks him with the plank)

Richard: How long have you been doing that Frank?

Frank: Ever since he was five...why?

(flashback)

Little five-year old James is sitting in the living room of their house, he watches their cat Mittens walk by and pulls on its tail, it screams trying to escape but James dosen't let go until a younger Frank comes up behind him and whacks him in the head with a plank

Another scene shows a Christmas scene where James is climbing the tree and throwing the oraments at his little sister, Frank comes up and grabs James pulling him off the tree and spanking him with the plank

The next scene, James gets into Frank's umblical cord collection...plank...

The next scene after that...James is playing with his coloring book and Frank is sitting in his chair reading the paper, ten minutes pass by and Frank takes out his plank and starts to whack James over the head with it over and over again.

(end flashback)

Claudia: Oh my god Frank!

Frank: Yeah...that last one made my wife send me to a shrink afterwards, I had a lot of problems...

Eileen: (looks strangely at James poking his ear with a bent paper clip like it was a Q-tip ) I think its beginning to explain alot of things in those humor fics...

Henry: Good point...(holds out a bottle) lunch time baby!

Peter: (giggles happily and reaches for bottle as Heather takes him)

Maria comes out of the bathroom with her blouse buttoned back up holding a box full of VeggieTales bandaides as Heather feeds the cute little pyramid head.

Maria: What the-?

Henry: It makes sense dosen't it, I mean, with all my hauntings going on I needed something holy to combat the evil...and what is more holy than VeggieTales?

Maria: Good point...excuse me for a moment...(puts more band aides on her left breast)

Henry: Besides, Larry the cucumber is funny!

Maria lays down on the couch light-headed from the loss of blood.

**_TBC_**

**_Now we know why James can be so dumb at times thank you to all who reviewed my story and as soon as I am done visting my relatives for christmas I will be back with more fun and mayhem as they raise a baby pyramid head together._**


	3. Santa Claus at the Mall

**A/N: And here is Chapter Three for the holidays!**

**Rating: T for crude humor and language **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill or its characters.**

The next day snow covered the city of Silent Hill and Peter the baby pyramid head was dressed in a black coat and matching snowpants with a little stocking cap, mittens, and scarf dressed up by Eileen. Today, Peter was going to visit Santa Clause in the mall. As the rest of Eileen's friends are getting dressed up for the snowey outside, most are worried about taking a baby pyramid head out in public.

Richard: I still think this is a bad idea

James: People will poke fun at us!

Heather: Oh come on, its the holidays, he needs to see Santa Claus just like we did as kids (puts on her scarf and cap)

Henry: I'm Jewish Heather...

A/N: I really don't know if he is or not I just added it in for a joke.

Heather: Well, then you can stay here and make hot coca.

Peter: (giggled and wiggled around in its snow outfit)

Maria: (appears in a low cut red blouse that shows off her cleavage and a short leather black skirt)

Frank: (stares) Maria you...you look nice.

Henry: Yeah...

Heather: Maria, you can't go out looking like that, espeacially with us going to see Santa!

Maria: (looks in the mirror) Yeah, you're right, thanks Heather (puts on a scarf and hat)

Heather: (sighs)

Henry: O.O Can I go see Santa Claus also?

Heather: But you said...

Henry: (edges closer to Maria) No one has to know...

Heather: (sighs deeper)

And because James's car didn't work-he left it running last night so the battery died-they all decided to walk to the mall where it was bustling with people trying to get their xmas gifts for their friends and families. As they entered, there was a sign saying "Take a picture with Santa"

Peter: (laughs and waves its arms frantically)

Heather: Don't worry Peter, we won't miss it, this way.

So, Heather took Peter by the hand and they walked through the crowd saying "Merry Christmas" to each and every slack-jawed gawker that they passed. Maria was getting jealous that everyone was staring at baby pyramid head and not her. James and Henry go into some of the stores to get started on their christmas shopping as well, while Eileen goes to use the restroom, Richard tries to light a cigarette but gets hassled by a sercurity guard whom is given a few good choice words by Mister Braintree and the two start to wrestle and beat the crap out of each other.

Maria: (feeling dejected) Why won't anyone take notice of me...?

James: I am! (drooling over Maria's hot bode)

Maria: (deadpan) So what else is new?

Finally, Heather and baby pyramid head arrived at "Santa's Workshop" Where a large fat guy in a red suit was sitting on a chair next to a beautiful store elf in a lovely green dress. Vincent tagging along was wetting the carpet with his panting at the lovely store elf named Helena.

Helena: Okay, now one at a time, (looks over at Vincent) Hey, you look familiar?

Vincent: (striking a sexy pose) Maaaaaaaaaybe, were you ever in the Sun Religion back in the day?

Helena: Hell no, that place was a freaking cult!

Claudia: (storms up to Helena) WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?

Helena: I said it was a cult...why, are you one of those wackos that was in it?

Claudia: DONT YOU DARE INSULT THE CULT! THE FUCKING CULT WAS AWESOME! IT WAS STRONG! IT WAS KICK-ASS-!

Heather: (whispers to Peter) It was until I arrived...

Peter: (giggles)

Vincent: Whatever! Lets just get this over with!

Helena: Fine (picks up Peter and puts him on Santa's lap)

S.C.: Hoo hoo hoo! Hello little...(looks at Peter strangely) Uh...wh-what are you?

Heather: Go on sweetie...don't be shy.

Vincent: (kindly) He is what they call a pyramid head Santa...

Peter: (cries)

S.C: Ho ho ho ho ho...don't cry little boy-er-'pyramid head' remember he sees when you are sleeping and knows if you are bad or good...and good boys don't cry, now what do you want for Christmas-HOLY SHIT!

Peter: (breaks off one of the plastic oversized candy canes and stabs the pointy end into Santa Claus's large fat stomach)

Vincent: Oh, I see-so he most be one of those...'sharp spear' Pyramid Heads and not the 'large knife' ones...interesting...

Peter: (giggles at what he has done)

Blood erupts from the back of the chair as the point end of the plastic candy cane breaks through, blood runs down the red stripped pole and forms a rank smelling puddle underneath Santa's chair. The children privy to the murder scream and cry in pain running away as parents try to console them with no such luck. Heather runs up and picks up Peter from the lap of dead St. Nick turning around to see police men advancing in numbers ready to arrest the guilty party for murder.

Vincent is tackled down and handcuffed first.

Vincent: Ahhhhhhhhhh! No! I didn't do anything! Don't make the handcuffs so damn tight...ah, that's better...ow ow ow ow ow!

Heather: (has Peter ripped from her arms and handcuffed) You can't arrest me I was the protagonist in Silent Hill 3! THE PROTAGONIST GOD DAMN YOU!

Vincent: Look, whatever you are arresting me for can't be as bad as what that pointy headed brat has done-

Helena: hey, now I remember you...I was watching Dateline: To Catch a Predator...and when Chris Hanson appeared to interview you, well, you just threw him on that counter and-well...I guess tried to take off his pants...it was in the May issue of People magazine

Heather: Hey, I have that article too! (turns to Vincent) Damn Vincent you have to bang everything with two legs don't you?

Vincent: I'm telling you, he stole my pants...he kept wearing MY pants during HIS investigation-I SWEAR TO VATIEL THAT I DIDN'T TRY TO RAPE CHRIS HANSON!

Vatiel: (walks by with a bag full of gifts) Leave me out of this Vincent. (walks off)

By the time Henry, James, Maria, Richard, and Eileen appeared Heather, Vincent, and little Peter (hahahaha 'little peter' funny) were being put in the back of the police car and driven to the station.

Heather: Merry Christmas Peter

Peter: (making cooing noises)

Richard: Oh great, now we have to bail him out everyone get your Christmas money together...(everyone takes out thier cash) One...two...three...that's a bottle cap...seven...

**_TBC_**

**_OH NO! What will become of Vincent, Heather, and sweet little Peter the baby pyramid head. And will that guy on Dateline go seek counciling, found out in the next installment of CUTE BABY PYRAMID HEAD FUN! Sorry if this is a short story, but think of it as a holiday chapter and I will get to you all probably by Tuesday or something...Merry Christmas!_**


	4. A trip to the police station

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews and I hope everyone had a good holiday.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill or Futurama (at least the Bender's line from that moon episode)**

**Rating: T for crude jokes and humor**

Well, in our last chapter, things didn't turn out well for our-I don't know if I should call them heroes maybe Heather but Vincent I don't know about-ANYWAY! When taking Peter the baby pyramid head to Santa Claus at the mall, we learned that Peter came from one of the spear Pyramid Heads and not the large knife ones for Peter had impaled Santa Clause with a large plastic candy cane in front of scores of children that will no doubt put the child psychologist's own kids through college and have her retiring on the Florida beach depending on how many kids there were at that time.

And now we catch Vincent and Heather in the police station where they are in the holding cells and the rest of the gang are entering inside to bust them out.

Vincent: (looks around nervously) Why does Peter stay in the office with the policemen and we're stuck in here with these...unshady characters...?

Heather: Because a cell is no place for a baby

Vincent: BUT THE BABY DID IT! WHY ARE WEEEEEEEEEEEEE TO BLAME!

Cybil: Shut the hell up in there! (bangs her stick against the cells)

Vincent: Say baby, I always thought women in uniform were hot, how about using that 'cane' on me... (winks)

Cybil: Hold out yur hands

Vincent puts his hands out through the bars

Cybil: Here is what I think of it-(takes his hands and beats his knuckles with her night stick)

Vincent: NO! Too many memories...of...catholic school...!

(flashback)

Vincent is ten years old and is sitting at his desk with a bunch of boys and girls standing there is a twenty year old nun holding a stick.

Nun: Hello, I am sister Alice and welcome to St. Angela's School for Naughty Children before we begin our lessons are there any questions...yes Vincent

Vincent: Uh...is it true that you guys dont wear anything under neath your robes?

Children: (burst into laughter)

Alice: Young man! (moves omiously towards Vincent) hold out your hands young man!

Vincent does what he is told and proceeds to get his knuckles beaten by a ruler as the children laugh

Vincent No! (whack) not my beautiful hands (whack) oh my god I'm bleeding (whack) I hate this place (WHACK) I will make my own religion (WHACK) with hot chicks and booze and no ruler hitting nuns in fact (WHACK) forget the ruler hitting nuns rule and the booze (WHACK) Oh this hurts so good! (WHACK WHACK WHACK)

(end flashback)

Vincent: Owwwwwwwww-hey why did you stop?

Cybil: Because you were saying that it "hurts so good"?

Vincent: Oh I did didn't I? Tee hee?

Heather: (in a another holding cell) Ten dollars say he become somebodies 'bitch' in a hour or so...

Outside the police station, James, Claudia, Harry, Frank, Maria, Richard, and Eileen are standing outside the police station counting out the bail money.

Richard: Oh this sucks...we won't have enough to break them out of jail!

Maria: I have a idea follow me guys!

Inside, a man in a uniform is looking through a magazine when a blond woman in a black bikini steps in and before you are think "Oh my god she got Jessica Simpson in here from that god aweful 'Dukes of Hazzard' movie" no its none other than our own Maria! Yay! She saunters over to the desk and sits down on it crossing her legs.

Maria: (sounding like a lusty tavern wench) oh dear...I seems to have lost my wallet...will you be a dear and help me find it (traces her finger along his neckline) in the "Lost and Found" box...(giggles)

Guard with the key: Well...I...I... O.o

James: (pokes his head through the door) Maria, are you done groping the guard so you can his keys and we can free our friends yet?

Maria: (jumps off the desk) HELL NO! YOU BASTARD GET BACK IN THERE!

Guard: Wait...(looks at James) Uh...you know...maybe I CAN work something out with you guys, just have that boy in the broom closet in five minutes and I will give you the keys to the cell

James: What?

Frank: God idea, James, you go with the pervert!

James: No daddy!

Frank: I am your father and you do what I say-NOW! (brings out the plank)

James: Yes daddy...(goes into the broom closet)

Harry: Uh...Frank, did you just...um...'prostitute' your own son?

Frank: Yes but (acts all innocent) Think of Heather and poor little baby Peter (a imaginery halo appears over his head)

Harry: (thinks) Yes that true...good job

Maria: (still in her binkini shivering) Can I have my clothes back now?

Authoress: (that's me) No not yet...just a few more minutes of eye-candy for my male readers and lesbian ones...

So after the first fifteen minutes of "Hey get your hands out off there" and "Daddy help!" James came out holding his pants and a set of holding keys and everyone let out a collective "Yays" except for Maria who:

Maria: Ah choo! (sniffles)

So, Vincent and Heather were let out of their holding cells

Heather: Father! (runs into Harry's arms)

Vincent: Claudia! (runs to her and stops when he sees her arms crossed over her chest)

Claudia: It "hurts so good"?

Eileen: I will go get Peter

Eileen enters the next room where Peter is being held by a score of policemen when she opens the door she sees them laying on the floor with pens stuck into thier eye sockets and mouths laying in a pool of thier own blood as Peter sits in the middle coloring pictures. He looks up and sees Eileen clapping happily and reaches his stubby arms out for her. Eileen walks through the sea of dead police bodies and picks up Peter retracing her steps nervously as she makes her way out of the collective office.

Eileen: Okay...(screams) LETS THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

As the gang leave the guy with keys to the holding cell makes a "call me" gesture to James who is trying to put one leg into the pants hole. Richard lags behind but eventually he catches up.

Harry: What took you Richard?

Richard: Oh I happen to have met a old friend of mine in here...Walter...yeah, I just gave him the address to Henry and Eileen.

Eileen and Henry: (nervously) Uh...really?

Richard: Yeah, as soon as he commits suicide in his jail cell and begins his Twenty-something "Sacrements" thing he is coming to visit you guys...

Henry: (nods and leans in to whisper to Eileen) _I will pick up some candles and weapons on the way home_

Eileen: (whispers back holding Peter) _Okay..._

Richard: What are you guys whispering about?

Henry and Eileen: NOTHING! O.O

Richard: Good!

Maria: Can I PLEASE put my clothes on now!?

Vincent and Authroress: NOT YET!

That night at Apartment 302 everyone sat down around the campfire drinking hot cocoa and eating fattening gingerbread men. All except for Maria who had to eat chicken soup and lay on Henry's bed to keep warm with a thermometer stuck in her mouth. Peter wearing his little red footsy pajamas opens his presents and gave everyone his which consisted of colorful pictures of them and various macabre symbols that you would find in probably a few of the games.

Authoress: Sorry Maria :D

Heather: Oh he is soooooo talented look at his pictures dad!

Harry: I agree, maybe we should enroll him daycare of kingergarden!

Vincent: (spits out his hot cocoa on Richard) JUST NO CATHOLIC ONE!

Richard: (glares evily at Vincent) You're dead...

**_TBC_**

**_Next up Peter learns his first words and the gang take him to his first day of Child Day Care! What else should happen next? Send in your review and suggestions and I hope you enjoyed Maria in her bikini she did it all for you! _**


	5. Baby Pyramid Head's first words!

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews and I hope everyone had a good holiday, this sadly is another short one but the real fun will be in the next chapter, I just thought it was time Peter the baby Pyramid Head learned how to talk.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill**

**Rating: T for crude humor and jokes**

Three months later...

It was night and as baby pyramid head was all curled up in his wicker basket he was about to be read a bedtime story.

Richard: Why do I have to read the little-little- (looks over at Peter who is looking up at him with big bambi eyes) 'precious' a bedtime story?

Henry: Its your punishment for sicing Walter on me and Eileen, look at the notes he gave me through the door! (holds out some paper written in blood) "You left your coat back at the station and I tried to call you" "Don't go outside I am sending your coat over" "Why haven't you called to get your coat back"-I HATED THAT DAMN COAT!

Harry: Hey! I bought you that coat!

Henry: (ignores Harry) Now read him "Cinderella" or else!

Henry walks off

Richard: (sits beside the wicker basket as Peter gets himself comfortable) Stupid kid...I can't wait until Walter comes to do his dumb ritual and I can finally have the apartment!

Peter: Ritwual?

Richard: Wait...what did you say?

Peter: Ritwual!

Richard: Oh my god! Guys, come in here! He just...he JUST...!

Everyone scurries into the living room where the wicker basket is.

Eileen: What is it what is wrong?

Claudia: Is it a demon?

Richard: No! (picks up Peter) He said his...first word!

Everyone: Awwwwwwwwwww!

Peter: Ritwual!

James: "Ritual"? (laughs nerverously) Uh...couldn't he say something more like...mamma...or dadda...or...uh...oxymoron?

Frank: James you are a "oxy-" moron!

Maria: Oh how cute...(cough)...(stuffed up) adorable...

James: Oh my god! Maria has the same disease as my wife (takes a pillow) I WILL CURE YOU!

Frank: (knocks James out with the plank)

Maria: Thanks Frank (sniffles)

Frank: No prob

Peter is laughing and saying his new word happily until finally it turns into a demonic chant that creeps everyone out.

Peter: ...ritwual,ritwual,ritwual,ritwual,ritwual-!

Claudia: Oh yeah, we are DEFINITELY taking him to day care...

As everyone (excluding James) looked on in adoration, neither of them could see a dark bulking figure standing on the street across from the apartment building that had been watching them all the time that they were taking care of the baby Pyramid Head. Well, first of all, it was watching Cynthia Valquez undress at first but when she caught him peering at her and closed the curtains then he changed his focus to the ones taking care of the child.

Who was this mysterious fellow, Walter, child services, that perverted holding cell key guy that Frank prostituted James to so they could free Heather and Vincent?

No body knows...MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(cue lighting flash)

**_TBC_**

**_Well, I know, but I ain't gonna tell you unless you read and send me your review...prepare for a surprise guest visitor or two...why, because a good story needs one. Thank you for my online friend Maria Sunderland (her screen name) for coming up with the idea for "Ritual" being Peter's first word._**


	6. Day Care and daddy returns

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews and I hope everyone had a good holiday.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill or its characters, Family Guy, or Cinderella or the game hang man**

**Rating: T for crude jokes and humor**

Everyone was excited to learn that Peter was learning how to speak, but the problem was that some of the things that he was learning around Room 302 were not baby material. Which put a damper on the women's attempts to make Peter a socially acceptable member of society. The baby PH was growing up quickly and they all agreed to put him in a Day Care as a stepping stone to interacting with those its own age.

Eileen: Peter, time for breakfast! (Peter emerged from the laundry room that Frank fixed up as a makeshift playroom since Henry learned a scary lesson about letting Vincent into his laundry room the hard way from chapter two)

Peter is now dressed in a green long-sleeved shirt and blue overalls with a happy sunny face on the front and wearing velcro strapped red shoes.

Eileen: (cooking up pancakes as Heather places Peter up on the booster seat) Here you go, pancakes on your first day of Day Care.

Vincent: I want pancakes too!

Eileen: No you don't get them-not what happened last time you didn't chew...

(flashback)

Everyone is sitting around the table eating pancakes suddenly Vincent eats a large piece and starts choking then proceeds to clutch his throat and fall to the ground. He lays there until finally one of them lets out a annoyed sigh (Harry) and proceeds to leave the table and lean over the priest, presses his mouth against his in a act of CPR.

Harry: Out with the bad air...(mouth)...in with the good...

Vincent: (opens his eyes to see Harry with his mouth over his and throttles the man by the neck) GET OFF OF ME YOU MONSTER! NO MEANS NO! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TOUCH ME-!

Heather: (pouring syrup over her stack) Vincent, Dad was trying to give you CPR...to save your life...?

Vincent: (stops in the middle of his self-defence) Oh...thanks Harry...

The Priest gets up off the floor and sits down to his meal as if nothing had happened.

(end flashback)

Vincent: Awwww, but that was ten minutes ago, I've learned! (goes up behind Peter and sneaks his fingers towards Peter's breakfast) Come on kiddo...

Peter: NO (jumps on Vincent with his spoork and proceeds to stab him with it) Kill Kill kill kill! No takey food! We don't do that Unkey Vincent!

Vincent: Ahhhhhhh! No get off of me...please!

Eileen: (cuts up Peter's pancakes into bite-sized pieces while Peter is still stabbing Vincent) La la lala lalaa!

After Breakfast is over

Eileen, who was now considered Peter's "Mommy" and Henry his "daddy" took Peter to a playschool called "Silent Hill Day Care Center" in small hard-to-read writing below the larger title of the main building read "not responsible for any traumatic events, morbid change in child's behavior, or death must have insurance waiver ready before admitting into Day Care." Unknownest to the man and woman, the mysterious bulking shadow stood in the alley way as to not be seen watching them take the monsterous child into the Day Care Center.

Inside the playroom is a red headed caretaker watching the children at play.

Caretaker: Hi my name is Meredith and-OH MY GOD WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME IS-is this...(looks at Peter strangely) little darling's name?

Henry: (shrugs) Peter...

Peter hides behind Eileen's ankle timidly

Meredith: (trying to hide her fear of Peter) How old is he?

Eileen: Weeee don't know we're not aware of the signs of aging on Pyramid Heads.

Meredith: Oh...I...I see...well..."ahem" Peter, why don't you come with me and I will indroduce you to the other children, is that all right with you?

Peter: (shakes his head nervously) No, wanna stay with mommy!

Eileen: (picks up Peter) It will just be for a couple of hours honey and then we will pick you up later okay, I promise.

Peter: Okays, kissies?

Eileen: (kisses on top of Peter's cone helmet which freaks out Meredith even more)

Peter: Yays! (is not so shy anymore and is willing to go along with Meredith)

Meredith: Er...okay then...lets go...Peter...

As Eileen and Henry leave, Peter is shown around the room, he meets two children Kara and Tommy who are playing "Hang Man" and invite Peter over to play (how sweet)

Kara: What is your name?

Peter: I am Peter

Kara: I'm Kara and this is my brother Tommy...wanna play hangman?

Meredith: I have to go out for a minute and take a cigarett-I mean, take something to the office, play nicely now (steps out)

Peter: I think I recall playing a game similar to Hang Man before.

Tommy: Cool, can you teach us?

Peter: Okay!

Back at the Apartment, Vincent has a band aide on his temple where Peter struck with the dull pointy part of his spoork. Heather was playing PS2. And Maria was still with a cold as Frank tried to keep James and his pillow away from her with the plank.

Heather: Hi Henry, Hi Eileen, how did it go with Peter?

Eileen: Oh he was scared at first, but I think he will be okay now...

Vincent: I think we should really consider where that "thing" came from if you ask me.

Heather: (puts the game on pause) Vincent that is mean, how can you say that to a child, calling them "things" do you know how psychologically damaging it would be on them to hear something like that-

Richard: (comes out of the bathroom) Nonsense Heather, my old man use to call me a "thing" all the time and it didn't effect me at all...isn't that right Henry?

Henry: Uh...(remembers all the times that he was a jerk and a bully A/N: Since I take it there is too long a list for Richard just use some of his "unflattering" moments from fanfictions and cutscenes from SH4)

Richard: (grabs Henry by the collar) I SAID ISN'T THERE YOU PIECE OF-CENSORED LITTLE-CENSORED PUSSY-bleep-CENSORED

Everyone: (stares at Richard and backs away)

Meanwhile back at Silent Hill Day Care Center

Meredith comes in from her cigarette break popping in some mints into her mouth the moment she opens the door and lets out a scream. In the middle of the room were what appeared to be four or five nooses hanging from the rafters, leggy monsters and patient demons drag away children to be feasted upon on one side of the room while on the other side is a long line forming in front of the nooses.

Peter: (in a ringleader outfit don't ask me they must of had it for dress-up time or something) Step right up, guess which one is the innocent criminal and win a cookie; loose and you are dragged away to be tortured horribly by all sorts of scary creatures!

Kara: (last in line closest to Meredith) Miss Roe do you want to join the game Peter taught us its fun!

Boy: Yeah, I can't wait to see if I get a cookie or tortured by monsters!

Girl: Me too!

Peter: (sees Meredith-aka-Miss Roe) Come on Miss Roe, its fun! You just pull on the empty nooses!

Meredith: (walks up nervously and reads the card) Ugh, this is so not worth $8.75 an hour. (pulls on a noose) Now what?

Is suddenly grabbed by two mannequin and a patient demon and dragged off

Meredith: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

The disgusting sound of a woman's body being bashed to death is heard when suddenly the bell rings

Kids & Peter: Yay Snack Time! (go off to get thier snacks and sit around the table)

At the apartment building everyone is still pretty shaken up by Richard's outburst which would of come as no shock to those that lived with him. But the idea of wondering where Peter the baby PH came from was still something to consider. Harry mentioned that he saw a mannequin where a basket was containing Peter and wondered if he had killed Peter's real mommy.

Harry: Do you think I murdered it?

Frank: Lets put it this way, was it trying to eat the baby pyramid head?

Harry: No

Frank: Then yeah you murdered it

Claudia: But why would a mannequin have a baby Pyramid Head in the first place?

James: I can fill this one...you see...when a sexy mannequin and a horny Pyramid Head meet, the PH grabs the mannequin by the legs and drags it into the same apartment that I went into to find Mary, The Pyramid Head uses his large strength and bulky body and forces himself on the sweet defenceless mannequin impegnating her with its blacken semen and then when it is done, he goes over to the same closet where I hid and shoves the dead raped mannequin in my face...

By then everyone is walking off doing thier own thing leaving James to talk non stop

James: (continues)...and tries to freak me out...but then it takes another mannequin and rapes it before my eyes and I guess a couple of months later if its lucky to still be alive and walking its carrying the illegitimate bastard child of a testerone crazed-libido-driven-cone headed serial rapist. AND THAT is how babies are made...baby pyramid heads that is...

Frank: (whacks James with a plank) that is the worst story I have ever heard where did you hear something so stupid!?

James: You told me dad...

Gets whacked by the plank yet again.

A couple of hours later

Henry goes to pick up Peter, going inside witnessing the scurryin of little children getting thier coats to go home, he steps into the room and finds it covered in blood. Hanging nooses soaked in the stenched red liquid are hanging from the ceiling still and the bashed-in body of a dead redheaded woman lays on the ground being feasted on by patient demons. The children are grabbing their coats as if they haven't noticed and Peter is finishing coloring up a picture that he drew in "Art and Crafts" and when he saw Henry appoach him, the baby pyramid head held it up for him to see.

It was the picture of Miss Meredith Roe getting murdered and molested by various Silent Hill creatures.

Henry: Cool, get your coat and we will hang it up on the fridge door how about that?

Peter: Yay! (grabs his coat and takes Henry by the hand)

They left the day care center and Peter was talking non stop about how he made two new friends that day who later ended up getting eaten by patient demons when they pulled the wrong noose in this game that he made up for everyone. Then he told Henry that they had cookies and punch for snack time and that is favorite cookie was now chococalate chip, almost never even mentioning the dead teacher in the room with all the other kids.

Uh, maybe it was better off that way, Henry thought.

Henry: So, did you like Day Care Peter?

Peter: Yes daddy, when I do I get to go back?

Henry: As soon as they are finished investigating Miss Roe's brutal murder, any numbers?

Peter: What do you mean daddy?

Henry: Did you learn your numbers yet today?

Peter: Not yet daddy!

That evening when he regaled his aunts, uncles, and big sister about his first day of Day Care everything wound down a bit, Peter took his nap on the couch and James was taking a shower when suddenly the door bell rang.

James: I'm coming! (comes out with a towel wrapped around him this ain't no M rated story peoples)

The door bell rang over and over as James got to the heavily chained doors and proceeded to unlock them.

(three hours later)

James took off the last of the chains and opened the door to see a large adult Pyramid Head with a huge knife standing before him.

James: Ahhhhhhh! No, don't take me back-(gets on his knees and grovels) I won't go back to that prison you can't make me!

(flashback)

(we see a close up of James kneeling over something moving back and forth in a forceful way which suggest him being anally raped as we hear a deep evil laugh in the background tears running down his face)

Pyramid Head: Faster slave...faster!

(camera zooms out to show James on his hands and knees in a servant girl dress and hankerchif scrubbing the floors of the cell as Pyramid Head stands behind him laughing evily)

Pyramid Head: Now sing James...sing for your supper

James: singing in tears_) Cinderellie...Cinderellie...night and day its-_

Pyramid Head: No! The other song!

James: Not the other song

Pyramid Head: SING IT BITCH! (cracks whip)

James: (sings "A Dream is Wish Your Heart Makes")

(end flashback)

Pyramid Head and James are standing in room 302 once again.

Pyramid Head: Oh god...I almost forgot about that...those were good times James good times.

James: (whimpers)

Pyramid Head: I have come...for my son! Muahahahahahhahahahaha!

**_TBC_**

**_Oh no! It can't be can it-IT IS! Peter's father has returned what will the gang do! And will James need professional help? What should happen next folks!? Feel free to add your comments and reviews for the next installments of $25.99-oops I mean of the chapters in "Cute Baby Pyramid Head fun" I assure you this isn't the end of the story oh no siree folks! The scene with Harry giving Vincent CPR was both a reference to a Family Guy episode where Brian goes to college and a slash story I read on here called Algid with both Harry and Vincent which I didn't write but thought how funny this joke would be after you read it._**


	7. Teddy Grahams and Claudia is kidnapped!

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews I had been sick lately so I couldn't write another chapter to this story, so far. In case you missed stuff here is what is going on: everything was turning out okay, as far as Peter the baby pyramid head was concerned, he was being adopted by a bunch of Silent Hill characters and had learned to talk. Now his blood dad has returned-will they give him back or go down fighting, find out next!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill-its characters, or Teddy Grahams.**

James was still standing in front of the door in his towl thinking back to that terrible moment when he was Pyramid Head's slave while Pyramid Head himself just stood there waiting to come on in. Claudia comes up behind James not at all unnerved by Pyramid Head's presence, but she did have a few words to say about James.

Claudia: James, for the last time, you put on a robe BEFORE you open the door BEFORE!

James: Relax-its not the towel is going to...(stares evily at the authoress) HEY!

Authoress: Awwww...and I was soooooooo close! heh heh

A/N: Anyway, back to the story already in progress!

Claudia: (shoved James out of the doorway and stares at Pyramid Head) Can I help you?

PH: Yes, I have come for...MY SON! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (cue lighting flash)

The sound of babyish crying is heard.

Claudia: Nice going moron you woke your 'son' from his nap time!

PH: Actually I think it was him (points to James hiding behind the kitchen counter crying like a well...a baby I guess)

Claudia: Oh, wow, (mutters to herself) that little guy sure can sleep...

PH: (angerily) WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Claudia: (unafraid) I said that your little guy sure can sleep.

PH: (calming down) Oh thanks...now, give him to me!

Claudia: No!

PH: Very well then! (throws Claudia over his shoulders) James, tell the others that I have stolen their woman, if they don't give back my junior than she well...I haven't figured it out yet but its probably not good...(whispers to himself) pussy-ass little whimp

James: (still hiding behind the kitchen counter getting into the food cabinet) Gotcha!

PH: Well...I'm off (slaps Claudia's butt dramatically and laughs like the villain he is) MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! (cue lighting again)

Claudia: Hey, you didn't have to slap my ass PH!

PH: Sorry I couldn't resist! (runs off)

Peter: snore...snore...snore...(hugs his Teddy Bear) snore...snores...(wakes up) Me hungry! Come on Mister Snuggles lets have snacks! (gets up off the couch and skips happily into the the kitchen where he sees James in his towel eating the Teddy Grahms)

Peter: (cries)

Everyone rushes in

Frank: Awww, what is wrong? (picks up Peter) Tell "grandpa Frank" all about it!

Peter: (wipes a few tears and points at James) Unkey James ate all my teddy grahams for snack time! (cries)

Frank: JAMES!

James: Uh...(a few teddy grahams fall out of his mouth...gross) Uh...I can explain?

Frank: Someone get me the plank!

James: O.O

Six hours of James being brutally beaten by the plank later...

Peter: (sitting down to leftover teddy grahams and a glass of milk) Mmmmmmmm...yummies!

Heather: (sitting on the couch playing her PS2) Say, has anyone seen Claudia?

James cannot say anything because he is laying on the floor in a coma with bruises and wooden splinters all over his body.

Henry: Maybe he went to get Peter's gift, you know its almost going to be his...(whispers) B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y.

Heather: (whispers back) Oh that's right...I like how we just made up a day for it out of the blue isn't it?

Eileen: (playing on the second controller) Yeah...so convient...Damn it Heather!

Heather: Hah! In your face Eileen!

Eileen: (drops the controller) You are a cheater...I am not playing with you anymore! (gets up and walks away)

Heather: Woooooo! YEAH! I WIN AGAIN! NO ONE CAN BEAT THE CHAMPION! YEAH!

Harry: (walks through the door) Hey guys...what did I miss?

Vincent: (reading 'Maxim') where have you been?

Harry: Oh I haven't had alot of scenes in this story since the author dosen't like Silent Hill one as much as the other three games so she almost completely writes me out...I think she hates me.

A/N: Guilty as charged :D

Harry: (walks in and trips over James's lifeless body and hits his arm against the sharp corner of the table) OW! See what I mean?

Peter: Unkey Harry has a boo-boo!

Henry: Can you go get the Veggie Tale band aides Peter?

Peter: Yes daddy Henry...(crawls down the stool and walks with his teddy bear into the bathroom)

To prevent more accidents because of James, they drag him into the bedroom. Oh and Maria recovered, why, because I don't want to kill her off that's why, she is Peter's "favorite" aunty by the way and it wouldn't be nice to sweet cute little Peter. That night, without being aware of Claudia being kidnapped, they all sat down to homemade pizza. Yummy!

Eileen: (cutting up Peter's slice) Shouldn't we save some for James when he wakes up?

Richard: Nah, he dosen't deserve any

Frank: So true...just like when he was a kid if he ate junkfood before dinner I locked him up in his room for four days without anything to eat, just to teach him a lesson...

Everyone slows down eating and stares wide-eye at Frank.

Frank: What...?

Peter: (eating his pieces of pizza) Daddy Henry?

Henry: Yeah

Peter: Will I be able to go back to Day Care soon?

Henry: Uh, not yet kid, not until they release the autopsy report on Miss Roe.

Peter: Oh...(eats his pizza)

**_TBC_**

**_OH NO! Uh, Claudia has been kidnapped...at least until they find out that is when James wakes up, and what game is Heather playing that she is the all time champ at? Expect more craziness to ensue and Vincent to be more desperate than ever. Speaking of which check out my new lemon fic "Special Favor Returned." Me thinks I should raise the rating on this little fun-filled story but don't let that stop you from reading and sending in your reviews!_**


	8. Happy Birthday baby pyramid head!

**A/N: Now that Peter's real daddy has returned and kidnapped Claudia will the gang figure it out in time or just keep whacking James over the head with the plank for no good reason? YEAH! FORGET ABOUT THAT DAMN POLL THINGY WHATEVER! You know what you want, you want a story! Now lets get on with our happy little baby fun fiasco folks! Its the NEW YEAR get your brand new chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill or Mortal Combat, or Robot Chicken or Styx or Led Zepplin or the "Back in Black" album.**

Today was Peter's birthday (and James was knocked out still) Everyone sits around watching Heather beat Eileen once again in her PS2 fighting game which left Eileen pissed off once again to even finish.

Heather: Yay! I win again!

Eileen: You are a freaking cheater!

Heather: You take that back!

Eileen: Bring it on! (slaps Heather)

Guys: Oooooooh!

Heather: Its on now! (smacks Eileen back)

Vincent: WOOT!

Heather and Eileen get into a cat fight

Heather: Fine, we will take this outside!

(scene shows the Mortal Kombat background with the dark bridge and the spikes down below)

Bloodstained Caption: FIGHT!

Frank, Richard, Maria, Henry, Harry, and Vincent holding Peter are on a seperate island watching while Heather and Eileen are on the bridge.

Eileen: (does a few punches splattering blood everywhere)

Heather: (throws katana blades at Eileen)

Eileen: (shoots ice at Heather and freezes her in mid-fight and then crouch and does the upper cut)

Peter: (holds his pinwheel which rotates in the wind)

Richard: This catfight sucks...

Heather: (jumps in the air and leg kicks Eileen)

Henry: FINISH HER!

Eileen: come here (shoots tongue at Heather and pulls her in for a upper cut)

Peter: (blows his windmill)

Heather: (slides her foot forward to trip Eileen and sort of does it over and over then the scenery gets darker and she does the crouch upper cut and Eileen is sailing up in the air and impaled on one of the spikes)

Peter: (cutsy Ike voice) Fatality!

(scene: Room 302 and Heather and Eileen are covered in Henry's band aides)

Peter: (sitting at the counter in his birthday hat) Happy Bwrithdays to mes! (giggles)

Vincent: Where is Claudia she should of gotten back two days ago with Peter's present

Frank: Maybe I have something for him be right back (leaves the apartment and drives in James car)

James: (wakes up) What happened Rick?

Richard: (punches James's eye) Eileen and Heather got into a catfight and your dad went to get Peter's birthday present.

James: O ...Cool...

(a hour later)

Frank comes back with a bunch of CDs

Frank: Here you go kiddo!

Peter: Shiny things!

James: Dad! Those are MY C.D.s

Frank: And good riddance!

Peter starts opening up the CD cases and pulling out the discs waving them around the room and throwing them at the walls to see if they will stick on there like throwing stars while James digs into his hair in shock that he dad would get into his stuff and selfishly hand them over to the little baby Pyramid Head.

Peter: Yay...(sfx: ping) Ow! Daddy Henry I cut myself in the "Styx" CD!

James: (freaking out) Aurgh! You got blood over it! (picks up the CD) you little brat, oh no, now its squirting all over my "Led Zepplin 4" nice going kid!

Peter cries from both pain and James yelling him. Frank grabs his full-grown thirty year old son and throws him on his knee while he is sitting on the couch and paddles James butt with the plank.

Frank: Don't make my grandson cry!

James: Daddy no! It hurts! Stop it daddy...oh god I sound like Angela

Eileen: We're out of band aides

Peter: Mommy...Kiss it and back it better :(

James: Dosen't anyone care that Peter is ruining my CD collection, if you so much as touch the shiny metal side of my "Back in Black" I swear-

Maria: Shut up James half of those CDs are mine anyway!

Three hours of parental induced spanking later, Frank goes down to the lobby to get everyone's mail in maybe the hopes that Henry got his paycheck in on time to buy more VeggieTale bandaides to not only heal Peter's boo-boo but because the ghosts were haunting Room 302 and that was bad for buisness.

Frank: (looks through the pile of letters) Bill...(tosses it in the trash) bill, bill, bill...(trash)...jury duty...electricity...credit card statement...(trash)...keeping that...huh...from a Mr "P. Headman" lets open it here...(sarcastically) Oh written in blood...scary...lets see here..."To whomever it may concern, blah blah blah...I am the Red Devil of your crimes...blah blah...I have your woman if you do not return my real son Peter to me before midnight Claudia Wolfe will-blah blah blah-spine twisted out of her back-blah blah blah...sincerely Pyramid Head."

looks further down in the note

Frank: (reads) "P.S. Muhahahahhahahhahahaha cue lighting flash"

Up at Room 302

Frank: (opens the door) Hey everyone...(deadpan)..Claudia has been kidnapped...

James: Oh NOW you guys figure it out finally!

Maria: You mean you knew?

James: Yeah, I was even there, he told me to tell...uh oh...

MEANWHILE IN A DARK DANK DUNGEON

Claudia is chained to a stone wall while a patient demon and a mannequinn are guarding her to prevent any escape.

Mannequinn: (squeaky voice) Got a any sevens?

Patient Demon: Go fish!

Mannequinn: (throws down his cards) Dammit you win again!

Patient Demon: (to Claudia) You wanna play winner?

Claudia: Somebody help me!

**_TBC_**

**_My first chapter for the new year I hope the best for everyone and many new surprises in store for our heroes in this story. I appeciate your reviews and various pleasures of James abuse. Although to be honest I am probably more mean to Harry than I am to James but they will never know, lol, thank you! Stay tune for the next chapter where the gang go to rescue Claudia just in time for Peter's Birthday._**


	9. Almost saving Claudia but not quite

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill or Starbucks or Toys R Us**

**Rating: may contain crude humor and swearing.**

No one knew what to do, as Peter sat on his booster seat with a polka-dotted birthday hat slanted to the side of his pointy head. What could they do, it would ruin his birthday party if Claudia wasn't here to give him his present on the other hand, if they all snuck out to rescue Claudia they would get arrested for child neglect and there was no way either Heather or Vincent (or James for that matter) were going back to the police station.

Maria: Where did he say he was keeping her Frank?

Frank: I don't know I threw it out

Maria: You did what?!

Frank: I figured I would of memorized it...

James: Dad, your memory is horrible!

Frank: IT IS NOT! (looks over at Peter) Say, where did that thing come from?

Everyone lets out a groan.

Vincent: Well, lets go and get Claudia back.

They all get there coats and head out the door leaving Peter behind sitting on his booster seat with a cupcake in front of him that had a single candle in it. Out in the streets, Richard helped shake down various Silent Hill monsters asking them where they saw Pyramid Head take Claudia.

Richard: Where DID THEY GO! (smacks a twin victim) Huh, tell me!

Twin Victim: I...(sobs) I don't know...stop hiting him!

Richard: (makes the second face while the first one cries) HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES BITCH!

Twin Victim: (points at Richard) I am going to sue your ass...

Richard: Yeah, you and everyone else

Harry: Everyone else has sued you?

Richard: Oh just a bunch of weiners...(makes a mocking sob gesture) Boo-hoo "you came at me with a bat" Boo hoo "you pushed my girlfriend down the stairs" boo-hoo-hoo "you need serious anger management Mr. Braintree that kid was four years old" Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I am telling ya, if they can't take care of themselves in this world who will?

Richard grabs a crowbar and starts to smash the Twin Victim's second face in.

Eileen: (appears) Hi guys, guess what I found where they were keeping Claudia!

Harry: That is great where?

Eileen: In the church of course a couple of sniffer dogs told me about thirty minutes ago

James: What, you mean all this time we were watching Richard kick the crap out of a Twin Victim's faces for nothing?

Richard: Not nothing this bastard cut in front of me yesterday at Starbucks.

Henry: Oooookayyyyyy, (weirded out and nervously backing away from Richard) tell you what-you go on with your assault and battery and we will go get Claudia okay?

Richard: (hardly paying attention to Henry) Yeah...great...pick me up something to eat on your way back!

At the Church...

Heather: Wow I love what you guys have done to the place

Vincent: Thanks

PH: (off camera) The windows and altair were my idea! I HELPED TOO!

Everyone: Eeek!

Pyramid Head appears with his large knife in one hand and holding Claudia in the other.

Pyramid Head: Hi guys!

Everyone: (calmly) Hey...how are you doing...hello

Pyramid Head: Now...we shall begin!

Heather: First give us back Claudia!

Claudia: You like me Heather, you really like me!

Heather: Like nothing...its your turn to pay the rent!

Claudia: Oh phooey

Pyramid Head: Before I give her up I want...something in return...

Vincent steps foreward starting to unbutton his vest.

Vincent: Well, I knew this was going to happen...(sighs) once again I must "sacrifice my body" to save you all and be ravished day and night tied to the bed by a bunch of nurse demons and naughty sisters of The Order...

Pyramid Head: Uh...I meant my son...

Frank: Oh crap, I knew I forgot something!

(scene shows Peter sitting on his booster seat blowing out a candle on his vanilla cupcake with his birthday hat tilted on the side of his cone-shape head he sits there looking all sad and lonely)

Peter: (sadly) Happy...Birthday to me...happy birthdays...to me...(cries)

(back at the church)

Pyramid Head: (angerily) WHERE IS MY SON!

James: (shouts back) ITS UP YOUR BUTT AND AROUND THE CORNER!

He starts laughing and looks around to see that no one else seemed to think the joke was funny he keeps laughing until he slows down and shuts his mouth. Frank takes out his plank and bashes him over the head sixty times with it.

Vincent: Can I still "sacrifice my body" to-?

Heather: No Vincent!

Vincent: Aw, Come on!

Claudia: Vincent no-maybe later!

Vincent: FINE! (angerily buttons up his vest)

Back at building 302 Walter comes out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist looking like he had just come out of the shower. The door looks like it has been broken into and the chains are ripped off the walls.

Walter: That was a awesome shower

Peter: Presents?

Walter: Yeah, we will get presents, after I am done getting dressed...

Walter goes into Henry's bedroom and we can hear him riffling through his clothes.

Peter: I am four years old!

Walter: (off screen) That's great...I was sent to a nighmarish cult posing a an orphanage that would beat and mutilate children to death when I was four...now lets see, where is that shirt with the penguins on it?

Peter: Vanilla is my favorite!

Walter: Yeah, that is great kid, ohhh naked picures of Lisa and Eileen having hot sex I will take that...oh and a pizza coupon take that also...okay done! (comes out in his heavy overcoat) Okay! Come on Peter lets go buy you a toy!

Peter: YAY! (jumps down his seat and skips merrily over to Walter) Lets go!

Walter and Peter takes each other hands and skipped happily off to Toys R Us.

(back at the Church)

Pyramid Head: If you don't give me back my son I will kill her and messily torture each and every one of you...any questions?

Vincent: (raises his hand)

Pyramid Head: ...and yes Vincent that includes sexual torture...with nurse demons...and naughty Sisters of The Order

Vincent: (happily) YES!

Heather: How about a battle...if you win, you can do whatever you want to us and keep Peter...if WE win, then you leave us alone forever and we keep Peter deal?

Vincent: Uh, Heather...really, you serious, you know on second thought don't listen to her, she plays too much video games and she is a teenager and she is distressed and finals are coming up and-

Pyramid Head: DEAL!

Henry: We'e doomed!

Eileen: Peter is doomed!

Vincent: My sex life is doomed!

**_TBC_**

**_HAHAHAHAHA! Vincent sure is one horny priest...what shall they do to fight in a battle to the death, and will Henry ever get back those lesbian pictures of Lisa and Eileen...find out next time! And keep those loves and reviews coming! Remember no flames or I will sic Walter on you! Muhahahahahaha!_**


	10. Winner by Default and Cynthia!

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill or Jerad/Subway or Spongebob or Candy Land or Killar Instinct**

Where we last left our friends and enemies Walter took Peter the baby Pyramid Head to Toys-R-Us while at the Church the others were reclutent to have Heather engage in a duel with Pyramid Head if they won they would keep Peter and escape but if HE THE PYRAMID HEAD won they would be his torture slaves and keep his son. Vincent was torn between escaping and being a sex slave for the hot demon nurses.

At Toys-R-Us Walter was being Walter stabbing to death a sales clerk while Peter look at one toy and then another like they were jewels or diamonds in a cave of riches. He picks up a stuffed SpongeBob Squarepants and a Candy Land game and runs over to Walter.

Peter: Uncle Walter which one should I choose?

Walter: (looking up from his blood bath) Why choose one its your birthday take both

Peter: Yay! (goes up to the cashier) Here is my birthday money ma'am!

Meanwhile at The Church Richard comes in with some lunch

Richard: Who is up for some subway sandwiches?

Jerad from the Subway ad appears magically.

Jerad: (POOF) ...and each sandwich has only sixty grams of fat.

Richard: Shut it Jerad (takes out his gun and fires) eat freash this asshole

Jerad: STOP FUCKING SHOOTING AT ME!

Richard: You were stalking me all the way here! Taste some more fatass!

**_BANG BANG BANG BANG_**

Jerad: XP (dies)

Pyramid Head: (clears throat) Anyway, lets get this over with!

Heather: Okay!

Leg Mannequinn: (goes over to Pyramid Head) Permission to eat Jerad's dead body sir?

PH: Permission granted.

Leg Mannequinn: Oh boy! (takes out the steak sauce and grosses all the humans out) Mmmmmm, nice and tender

James: (nudges Maria) Hey isn't that what _you _said last night heh heh heh?

Maria: That wasn't me James

James: O.O

Harry: That was me-(stops reading)DAMMIT AUTHORESS YOU ARE A DEAD WOMAN!

A/N: Hehehehehhehe, aren't I a baaaaaaaaaaad girl?

Heather: Okay enough crap...lets get this over with...

PH: Since you inititated this deal you choose first

Heather: (takes out her Killar Instinct Gold game) Weeeeeeee!

Vincent: We're dooooooooooooooooooomed!

Eileen: If Heather cheats with PH like she did with me we are! (faints)

Vincent: (starts groping Eileen)

Henry: Hey! (beats Vincent with his metal pipe)

Vincent: Gah! (cowers)

Heather: (sets up the game system) I DO NOT CHEAT EILEEN!

Meanwhile, Walter and Peter are skipping out of the store. Walter is covered in blood and grim while Peter is covered in stickers.

Walter: What should we do now?

Peter: Ice cream!

Walter: Okay...!

They both take each other's hands and skip merrily off.

Back at the Church

Claudia: Someone untie me its very uncomfortable

A demon nurse comes over and unties Claudia

Claudia: Thank you...

Suddenly, Frank lays his eyes on the demon nurse and tiny little red hearts flutter over his head as romantic music plays, the nurse demon looks over at Frank and an equal number of little floating red hearts appear around her uhhhhh "head" as well. They walk slowly towards each other as James just stands there looking at the demon nurse and his father back and forth and back and forth clueless.

James: Uh...dad...daddy?

Frank: Not now James! (turns to demon nurse) Do you like long walks on the beach, listening to Lawrence Welk and collecting various prenatal bodily parts of abandoned infants?

Nurse Demon: Grrrrrrrrrrr... yes...grrrrrrrrrrrrrr (jumps straight into Frank's arms and they start to make out)

PH: Enough of this side joking lets get this over with! I choose...uh...Maya!

Heather: Maya! Pfft, just because you can make it so that she is all naked dosen't make her as good as oh lets say...Sabrewolf!

A t.v. set is hooked up and Heather and PH are sitting on bean bags playing the game and if you have ever played it then you pretty much know how it goes down.

Heather: AAHHHHHHHHHH! Stop using the same attack you cheater!

PH: I am not quit trying to knock me down dammit how do you do her special move

Heather: She has no special move you freaking suck!

PH: Bite me whore!

Harry: HEY! WATCH IT!

_click click click click click click_

PH: I wanna different character!

Heather: You can't awwww sweet! GROUND SPARK! IN YOUR FACE!

_CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK_

PH: NOOOOOO YOU'RE KICKING MY ASS!

Heather: Yes! Yes! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Eileen: (wakes up) What the...is Heather cheating?

Heather: Grrrrr SHUT UP!

_CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK_

Vincent: Heather, please reconsider, (pleads) think of my poor unused sex life...I need this...all those nurse demons and hot Cult sisters...please Heather just this once!

PH: Um, Vincent, I proceed over every sexual torture that is just what I am

James: (whispers to Vincent) Its true...

Vincent: Yeah but...I will be okay, you don't need to make sure it dosen't get heh too "rough" so to speak...right...RIGHT!?

PH: Who says I watch while supervising priest...I like joining in...sometimes...I just let the demon nurses and the hot cult sisters watch you know, in case any of them are first timers

Vincent: But...only on the uhhhhhh...chicks right?

PH: Nope...both guys and chicks...

Vincent: (gulps) _three minutes of silence cross his face...**BEAT HIS ASS HEATHER COME ON DO IT FOR PETER! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!**_

The doors to the church suddenly open and Walter and Peter come walking in carrying a bag of toys and licking ice cream. They walk past Frank who is still making out with his demon nurse lover and go over to Eileen who is laying on the floor still.

Peter: Ice cream mommy Eileen?

Eileen: AHHHH WALTER!

Walter: Uh, hi...I hope I locked the door before we left, what is going on?

Eileen: Heather is dueling for our freedom and Peter.

Peter: (looks at PH sitting on his bean bag) D-Daddy...?

PH: (stops playing much to Heather's angst) Son?

Heather: NOOOOOOOOO YOU SON OF A BITCH! I DON'T LOSE! I NEVER LOSE!

Harry: Heather calm down...

Heather: (takes out her knife) I NEVER LOSE DADDY!

Harry: I hate this author...(backs away from his daughter) I felt safer in the other humor fics...

Anyway...

Peter: DAD!

PH: SON!

They embrace

Everyone: (collectively) Awwwwwwwwwww...so sweet...how lovely...

Richard: (makes gagging sounds with his finger)

Henry: (rolls his eyes and whacks Richard upside the head)

Richard hooks Henry into a head lock and punches him in the stomach repeatidly.

PH: Son, I have missed you! (hugs Peter)

Peter: I was being taken care of by my mommy Eileen and daddy Henry and my sister Heather-

PH: Speaking of which-(turns to Heather) HAH I WIN BY DEFAULT! You all belong to me now-go on son-

Peter: and...and...unky Vincent, and aunt Maria, and aunt Claudia, and unky Richard, James, and Harry, and grandpapa Frank

Frank: (going into second base with the demon nurse) Mmmmmmmmmmmfptf...

Peter: I had fun!

PH: Awww, that is sweet, well now you can keep them as long as you want...BECAUSE THEY BELONG TO ME NOW MUHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!

A flash of lighting ensues

James: O.O DADDY! (hides under a pew)

Mannequins, patient demons, sniffers, and various other demons appear and grab the humans. Two Mannequinns drag James out from underneath the pew and pull him towards the Pyramid Head. Frank is grasped by his lover and dragged over. Richard, Walter, and Maria try to fight them off but its no use and Heather is carried along with her father towards the altair.

Frank: No Noreen you can't do this! I love you! I love you Noreen!

Noreen: Grrrrrrrrrr...sorry...grrrrrrrrr

Peter: (jumps out of PH's arms) DADDY NO! These are my friends, you can't do this!

PH: But soon as promised they belong to me if Heather lost and she lost

Heather: Only by default!

Walter: Sorry...

Henry: Ahh we're doomed!

Vincent: NO! At least leave me in the hands of a sexual-

Heather: SHUT UP VINCENT!

Peter looked around and saw those that had taken care of him in the grip of The Pyramid Head's minions about to be dragged into the deepest darkest dungeon to be done with as he pleased, he was clutching his SpongeBob doll worridly. What could do? They would be slaves to Pyramid Head and at least he didn't want his "mommy" and "daddy" (Henry and Eileen) hurt most of all by his real father's violence. He looked back at his real father and made him stare into his big sweet puppy dog eyes watering with saddness.

Peter: Please daddy...let them go...they are nice...well...some of them...Unky Richard likes to hit daddy Henry and peer in on mommy Eileen while in the shower...but...but...they took care of me and they love me...please have pity on them...please?

Walter: Yeah, and don't forget me, I took your son out for toys and ice cream...in a non pedophile sort of way...

PH: (looks over at his captives and down at his four year old son) Well...

A/N: And suddenly, the long dramatic pause is shattered by a latina whore in a revealing purple top named Cynthia who flies in on batlike succubus wings and descends on everyone grabbing Henry and Peter...(evil laugh)

Cynthia: Now I got you my pretties! (Wicked Witch of the West laugh)

Peter: DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! (flails)

Henry: EILEEN! EILEEN! EILEEN-HELP THE WRITER WANTS CYNTHIA TO STILL KEEP BANGING ME WHAT DO I DO!?!?!

Maria: (screams) Play dead Henry! Play dead!

Peter: XP (plays dead)

Claudia: Awwww isn't that cute?

Eileen: You will never please him like I have Cynthia!

Cynthia: Hah, in your dreams, if that was the case then the writer would have you guys having sex!

Eileen: At least I don't have to force myself on him...he wants it willingly! So there!

Cynthia: We will see! (flies off)

Henry: (off screen) HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

Eileen: Noooooo!

PH: MY SON!

Frank: (grabs James) No! Take him!

Vincent: (waves his arms frantically) NO! TAKE ME! I WANT TO BE RAVAGED BY A SUCCUBUS! (laughs to himself) heh heh heh "suck"-ccusbus

Walter: Don't worry...**I will save them!**

Dashes out of the church heroically.

Eileen: Should we let him?

Heather: Meh, why not?

They follow Walter out except Frank who holds Noreen the demon nurse by her hands.

Noreen: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...oh Frank...I am sorry...Grrrrrrrrrr

Frank: That's okay you were following orders...marry me?

Noreen: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...YES!

James: Yay! Maria look I gots a new mommy!

Maria: (rolls her eyes) Joy...(after four minutes beats James with the plank) idiot...

**_TBC_**

**_ Yeah, now they have to do another rescue, the whole "Cynthia the succubus" is based off my other short fic "Special Favored Returned" I just thought of adding a funny spin on my first sex fic and I am sure you are dying to know what Cynthia will do with Peter while Henry is sort of (cough cough cough) kinda obvious...BRING ON THE WHIP CREAM! In the next fic we deal with the subway station and Richard learns better than to leave out of a moving vechicle._**


	11. Richard don't Get Out of the Car!

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill, Resident Evil, or any of its characters...nor SpongeBob!**

**Rating: THIS CHAPTER IN PARTICULAR will contain sexual crude humor and there will be violence, cussing, and whatever. Enjoy!**

Poor Henry and Peter, snatched from the church by a seductive demon goddess named Cynthia, oh what fate will befail our dear friends?! Find out in this thrilling installment of my story! Now, here we see Henry and Peter being taken to the subway where lots of found memories are spent.

Cynthia: Ah, Home sweet home!

Henry: Hah, I knew this was your 'turf' (nudges Peter) get it...'turf' her 'stake-out place to 'stake' men' kiddo...heh heh he hehe...

Peter: (looks up at Henry confused)

Henry: heheheheheheh...oh right, you're four now...nevermind...

Cynthia: (takes Henry up by the collar) I didn't bring you here for jokes Henry!

Henry: Then what did you...oh, this is about that 'special favor' isn't it?

Cynthia: (smiles seductively and nods)

Peter innocently tugs Cynthia's skirt to get their attention.

Peter: What is a 'special favor' miss Cynthia?

Cynthia: I will tell you when you are older little one

Peter: kay! (sees a dead ghost floating by) hello...

Floating ghost: Hi

Meanwhile, while Walter is jogging to whatever the heck he thought Cynthia would take them, the rest of the gang got into Pyramid Head's car and drove off. PH is driving and there is a huge hole cut on the roof to fit his large conic head. At this moment, the car is really slow because old man Douglas is in another car up in front of them going 20 in a 55 mph zone. And as you can see PH is getting really pissed.

PH: (honks the horn) Come on you _BLEEP_-ing no good _bleep-_I am trying to save my son and you are freaking-_BLEEP BLEEP _ON THE _BLEEP _ROAD!

Heather: Oh my god chill out!

Vincent: (leaning over to PH) Just pass him.

PH: I can't there is a unbroken line there.

Richard: So?

PH: SOOOOOOOOOO-you can't pass somebody on a unbroken line geez, didn't you know that in driver's ed?

Suddenly Douglas's car starts to swurve back and forth.

PH: Oh great...great...now he is probably drunk god this is going to take forever who knows what horrible things that bitch Cynthia is doing to my son!

At the creepy subway station filled with ghosts, Cynthia leans down to Peter putting her large breasts right into his face which makes him back up a ways so he could see her face but when he looks up those breasts sticking out cover her view so he dosen't see the insanely sex-hungry look she has in her eyes as she glances at Henry who is being tied up to a pillar by a bunch of ghosts with chains.

Cynthia: (produces a twenty dollar bill from her cleavage) Why don't you go to the store and pick me up some whip cream, chococalate sauce, sprinkles, cherries, strawberries, and maple syrup...kay sweetie?

Peter: Um, are we going to make sundaes?

Henry: (realizing what is going on) NO PETER ITS A TRICK SHE IS GOING TO-MPHMPMPMMMPH! (the rest is muffled by a hand over his mouth by Cynthia)

Cynthia: Yes...uh...yes we are...(takes out a five dollar bill) and here get some candy for yourself...its going to be a looooooooooooooong night...(nuzzles Henry's cheek)

Henry: O.O mmmmmph!

Peter: (stares at Cynthia and Henry for a long time) ...YAY CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY!

Cynthia: Hold on just a minute little one (takes out a electronic dog collar and puts it on Peter) If you try anything fishy like run to your friends all I have to do is push this button and you will be infected with the chicken poxs (evil laugh)

Peter: No! Not chicken poxes! Those aren't fun!

Cynthia: Than hurry back...your 'daddy' is waiting (wraps her arms around Henry) and you wouldn't want anything to happen to him now-

Peter: (interrupts) Can I still get candy?

Cynthia: (sighs) Yes you can still get candy now run along!

Grabbing his SpongeBob doll Peter crawls up the stairs of the subway and runs off to find the nearest store.

Cynthia: (watches Peter leave and then turns to Henry) Now...lets get started shall we?

Cynthia proceeds to rip off his clothes (but for the younger audiences out there and the fact that I put a "T" rating on this I begrungdely placed censor tapes over Henry's naughty parts) HAH! TAKE THAT CYNTHIA! WOOT!

Cynthia: Hey!

Author: Uh, lets back to the car shall we?

**Meanwhile...**

Heather: Drive up to him and tell him off!

PH: What the-NOT WHEN HE IS FUCKING SWURVING AROUND LIKE A MAD MAN!

Harry: But you are the pyramid head he will listen to you!

PH: I am a excutioner and judge of man's sins I am not going to break a driving rule just to tell this guy off!

Maria: (angerily) Oh but you rape mannequinns and impale me!?!

PH: That is different...

Maria: How is that different?

PH: I just...you see...technically...it just is, now shut up I am driving and I will deal with this the way I WANT TO deal with this okay? If anyone dosen't like it they can just LEAVE!

Douglas: (driving erratically in his car with a open can of beer) Weeeeeeeee I am drunk-unk-grunk-drenk...DRUNK! I hope the (hic) cops don't pull me over (hic)...oh right...I am the cooooooooopppppppppppp (hic) Weeeeeeeeeeee!

Slams his car into a telephone pole.

PH: See, it took care of itself.

Richard: Smug little bastard

PH: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?!

Richard: I said 'smug little bastard' what are you going to do about it, huh? Considering YOU are the one that leaves Peter for four years and then just waltzs right along claiming to want him again where were you when you had the chance, god, my dad was better than you and he tried to stab my mom when she was pregnant with me! LOSER!

PH: That is it, get out of the car!

A/N: Please keep in mind that the car is still moving...

Maria: Richard, no, (grabs his arms just as he is about to open the car door) Don't do it!

Richard: Forget it Maria there is nothing you can say that will make me stay in this car a minute more with this...(points to PH)...asshole! I am leaving-

Richard opens the door and is about to calmly walk out when suddenly the velocity of the car's speed catches him and he is rolling backwards down the highway screaming and getting cut up by the friction of the gravel and blacktop (as well as road kill bones, broken glass, and other stuff you might find on the road) screaming his head off while the car just speeds away.

Richard: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (thump thump) hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (thump thump thump) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (thump thump thump) ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Maria: (watches Richard roll along the highway behind them) Dumbass!

On the road way way ahead of Richard, Claire Redfield is driving along on her motercycle to Raccoon City enjoying the nighttime scenery when suddenly Richard's body appears out of nowhere blocking her path. She pumps her breaks and tries to not hit him, and ends up swurving into a deep ditch.

Claire: HOLY SHIT! O.O'

The front wheels of the motorcycle hit the ground and Claire is propelled off her seat into a row of barbed wire killing her instantly. Coming up next, a truck driver named Travis is driving up behind Claire and steers sharply to miss Richard and her motocycle and leans over into the ditch onto Claire.

Travis: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I AM GOING TO DIE! GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!

**KAAAAAAAAAAAA-BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

The truck falls on top of Claire and explodes into a eruption of fire, metal,blood, and singed body parts right behind Richard as he picks himself up and dusts himself off.

Richard: Goddammit! Now I am all injured and there is no hospital for miles...

He turns around to see the explosion.

Richard: That is odd, I wonder what happened there...?

**Back in Pyramid Head's car**

Pyramid Head was not paying attention to what had happened behind him but like a good driver paid attention to up ahead. Where he spotted Walter sprinting alongside the road.

PH: Hey, lets pick him up.

Vincent: Are you crazy Pyramid Head? We don't know this guy!

Eileen: That's Walter.

Vincent: Are you crazy?

PH: Oh come on...we have plenty of room now that Richard is gone.

Heather: That's true...

Harry: Hey, speaking of crazy where are James and Frank?

**At the Church**

Noreen the demon nurse is coming down the aisle in a blood-stained wedding dress and dead flowers as Frank is waiting standing next to James. The wedding march is playing in the air.

James: YAY I AM GOING TO GET A NEW MOMMY!

Sammeul is standing in front of the altair about to perform the ceremony.

**Meanwhile...**

Peter is standing in the aisle waiting patiently as it was his turn to pay for the items with his SpongeBob Doll in one hand and the sack of sweets in the other he paid the cashier.

Cashier: Do you need any help carrying them little boy?

Peter: No thanks...I got them...Bye!

And like a big boy he proudly carried the treats in one hand dragging his SpongeBob Doll along the ground like it was a huge knife.

**At the subway portion of our story...**

Cynthia was standing next to a naked chained up Henry waiting for Peter to get back with the stuff.

Henry: Please, have mercy, why does every chick and crazy man within the state want to rape me!? TT

Cynthia: You are a very rare breed of men Henry, because you are so sweet and charming, and nice and caring, sensitive and kind...and not gay at all...

Henry: (tries to think of a way out) Yeah well...what if it turned out...I was gay...so...HAH!

Cynthia: Uh, no, no Henry that won't work, I saw you on the streetcorner a couple of months ago with Starla...

Henry: I could of converted...

Cynthia: Its not a religion Henry don't be stupid!

Henry: Sorry...Okay then...what if I wasn't nice...you uh...skanky...slutty...woman you...

Cynthia: (rubs her body against his) Oh I love it when they talk dirty..yes...yes...SAY MORE HENRY MORE!

Henry: (meekly) help me...

**In the car...**

Pyramid Head pulls the car over to Walter.

PH: Need a lift?

Walter: Sure...(reaches for the door handle)

PH: (snickers and starts pulling away slowly)

Walter: HEY!

PH: Hehhehehehe, sorry, go ahead.

Walter approaches the car and tries for the door handle but then PH puts his foot on the gas and starts to move the car once more out of Walter's reach, Walter starts running towards the car as the others in the back start snickering.

Walter: Hey, wait up! (puff puff pufff pufff hupffff) Come on you guys!

PH and Everyone: (laughing)

Soon they will make to save Henry and Peter as long as they don't run over Peter in the process of going to the subway station or breaking any traffic laws.

**_TBC _**

**_The truck driver was a reference to the upcoming Silent Hill 5 game where you are a guy named Travis with the exact same profession and I noticed that in Resident Evil 2, it looked like Claire didn't have a helmet on which she should of so that is why I had her die on the road as punishment! Stupid Claire! Enjoy and I look foreward to what you think of it...see ya next chapter!_**


	12. Stranger danger!

**A/N: I thank you all for loving my story and I encourage everyone to keep reading if you want to know what becomes of Peter the baby Pyramid Head and his friends. There will be more character bashing and fun so stick around! Its all good! This week's chapter deals with something that everyone should have learned about-Strangers! Dun dun duuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill, Resident Evil 4, or the Law and Order series**

**Rating: Violence, crude language, and comedy are contained in this story (not suitable for immature young kids)**

Finally after a while, Walter was sitting in Richard's seat while Pyramid Head was still driving to the subway station. They managed to get to the entrance to the subway but there was only problem standing in their way-PARKING!

PH: (gets cut off by another car) HEY! I WAS GOING TO CHOOSE THAT SPOT YOU RETARD!

Jasper: (driving in the car stealing PH's parking spot) S-s-s-suck it...d-d-d-d-dickface! (laughs)

PH: You are so dead! (he gets out of the car and smashes in the headlights with his large knife)

Jasper: W-w-w-w-w-what the he-h-hell!?

PH: What are you going to do about it? HUH!?!?

Jasper: (goes to the trunk and takes out the sword of obedience) You wanna go 'Red Devil' lets go bitch!

PH: Hey, why aren't you studdering no more?

Jasper: Because it was a pain on the author's typing and she got alot of stuff to write as it is.

PH: Oh very well then...AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! DIE BITCH DIE!

Jasper: (squeals like a whimpy girl and waves his sword around)

Unfortunely with Jasper's swiping and thrusting the sword dosen't do as much good with Pyramid Head as he thought it would. Eileen sighs boredly and gets out of the car taking her gun with her as she casually walks down into the subway calling out for Henry's name as she goes.

Eileen: Henry, where are you?

Suddenly she hears the sound of someone banging on the glass window near the esculator up where the conductor booth is, its Henry-Hello Henry-okay that is enough of that, here is Henry being held captive and naked in the conductor's office wearing a leash that is being held by Cynthia. Who as we might guess is treating Henry like he is her damn foo-foo dog. Henry bangs the window harder trying to get Eileen's attention.

Cynthia: Oh no you don't Henry! (pulls on his leash) bad puppy bad!

Henry: Help... (cries like a scared little boy)

Eileen: (hears Henry's crying) Peter! Peter, honey is that you, where are you?

Henry: (shouting into the microphone) NO YOU IDIOT ITS ME HENRY! HELP ME!

There is alot of static feedback that causes all the ghosts and Eileen to scream and plug their ears.

Eileen: Ahhhh my ears...turn it down!

A male ghost floats up to Eileen while the static is ear-shattering.

Ghost: (yelling over the feedback) Hey you're hot!

Eileen: What...I can't hear you?

Ghost: (louder) I said you are hot...lets go into the restroom and have sex?

Eileen: What...you want to what?

Ghost: HAVE SEX!!!!!

Eileen: What did yu say?

Ghost: I said (suddenly feedback stops right about now:) DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!!!!...(echoes) me..me...me...me...?

Everyone in the haunted subway stops and turns around to look at Eileen and the ghost.

Eileen: Hell no! Get out of here!

Ghost: Fine, but just so you know you will need me later on in this story and I am going to remember this hahahahahahhahahaha

He started to float away dramatically-until he slammed into one of the large metal pillars and falls on his ass

Ghost: Ouch! Son of a-(gets up and shakes himself off looking over at Eileen and continued floating away dramatically) Yeah...I thought so...

Eileen: (makes a "Loser" sign on her forehead) Moron! Speaking of which-Hang on Henry, I am coming for you! Man why does that sound familar?

Suddenly a flash of light comes and out emerges Leon Kennedy from "Resident Evil 4" (cue heroic music) and he looks around confused.

Leon: Uh...why am I in a subway and not in Spain killing non-zombie like creatures?

Eileen: (sees Leon) Who are you?

Leon: I am Leon

Eileen: Eileen...can I grab your ass?

Leon: Why not everyone else does (turns around so his ass is facing Eileen) go ahead.

Eileen: Weeeeeeeeeeeeee! (spanks Leon's ass happily)

Meanwhile Henry is watching this is feeling like he is not going to get rescued at all and begins to cry as Cynthia looks on lustfully.

Leon: By the way...hey not too hard now...have you seen this blond chick named Ashley?

Eileen: Uh no...

Leon: Dammit...okay then...you done yet?

Eileen: In a second...(seven spankings later) Okay done!

As Leon walks off rubbing his ass, Eileen takes her gun and becomes all heroine again and runs through the GOD DAMN SUBWAY MAZE THAT I HATE WITH A PASSION-(ahem) So after getting side-tracked and lost, Eileen took out a few bombs that she stole off Leon while spanking him and blew through the subway, making it to the other side.

Eileen: Hooray for me!!!

**Up above the subway.**

Pyramid Head just stood there acting bored as Jasper kept swinging the Sword of Obedience around not even causing a dent in ye old Coneheady boy. Pyramid Head yawned and thrusted his large knife into Jasper's head decapitating him. He tried to shake the head off but it wouldn't fall off his blade.

PH: Ewwwwww gross!

Claudia: (calling from the car) Can we get out of the car now my foot is fast asleep

Vincent: So is my butt...!

Walter: God, shut up! I am getting out and looking for Henry and Peter, see you dudes later...

Seeing how he was in the middle of the backseat, he had to crawl over Heather and Harry to reach the left side of the cardoor and opened it up landing on his stomach with a loud "thump" and "omph" as he went. Walter got up and dusted himself off finally running into the subway station. Just then, Harry and Heather got out of the car as well.

Vincent: Hey, you guys going to help out Walter?

Harry: Yes...

Heather: I am going to use the restroom in the subway.

**Meanwhile...**

Eileen arrived shortly afterwards standing in front of Cynthia growling like a alpha female at the hispanic whore like she was hoarding a piece of meat from Eileen and wasn't keen on sharing it with her. Henry was trying to cover himself up although he had no clothes on and tried to hide his "secret places" so to speak. Of course now they weren't secret anymore.

Eileen: Give me back Peter...(unenthusiastically) oh and uh...I guess Henry...too...maybe...

Henry: (in a high whiney voice) EILEEN!

Ashley: (appears in a flash of light) LEON!

A/N: Shut up bitch (backhands Ashley)

Ashley: (cries)

And the entire world cheered because of me bitchslapping Ashley! Yay!

Cynthia: How did you even get past those wall guys, you know, those thing that stick out of the wall and they knock you down and it really is embarassing when you are wearing a short skirt because everyone can see your panties and where was I-oh yes, how did you get past them?!

Eileen: Well...

(flashback)

Eileen approaches the esculator where the hanging men are blocking the entrace up glaring down at her with hunger and rage. But she goes to them unafraid with a plate of cupcakes.

Eileen: Who wants cupcakes?

Hanging men: ME! ME! ME! I DO! I LOVE CUPCAKES!

(end flashback)

Cynthia: That was lame!

Eileen: Hmmm, you know what, you're right, maybe the writer had a brain fart or something?

Henry: (feeling ignored) Hello, guys, its getting cold in here...and my collar itches...and I am missing "Law and Order"!

Eileen: Which one Henry?

Henry: Uh...I don't know..the one with that guy...the uh...uh...I don't know...

Cynthia: SVU?

Henry: No...its the other one...

Eileen: The original?

Henry: No...its the one with that...uh...uh...he has curly black hair, I think he is a lawyer?

Eileen: Criminal Intent?

Henry: Yeah that is the one! Help me!

Eileen: Let him go! And put his clothes back on!

Cynthia: Fine, I will let him go, but he will never get his clothes back-I locked them up in a storage locker somewhere and the key is in a place where you won't even dare to look!

Eileen: A toilet?

Cynthia: DAMMIT! How did you know!?

Eileen: (shrugs)

Down below on the platform Walter has Ashley over his knee and is spanking her like a bad girl.

Ashley: Why does everyone hate me!?

**Now, lets cut to everyone favorite monster toddler-PETER!**

Peter is skipping down the sidewalk carrying a bag full of Cynthia's 'sex treats' and a bag of candy singing a happy little song until suddenly a forboding looking car pulls up and a man pulls down the dark tinted windows. He has black hair and is wearing a gray suit looking evily (and might I add pervertidly) at Peter the baby Pyramid Head.

Peter: (stops and looks up at the man) Hello sir

Man: (in a creepy nice-sounding voice) Well hello little boy...say that is alot of stuff...what is your name?

Peter: My name is Peter the pyramid head.

Man: I am Michael Kauffman...would you like to go for a ride Peter?

Peter: Uhhhhhhhhh

Kauffman: (pulls out a bag of 'white claudia' in a sing-song voice) I got powder candy...

Peter: Ooooooo!

**_TBC_**

**_DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! OH NO! WHAT IS DR. KAUFFMAN PLANNING!? AND WILL HENRY MAKE IT HOME IN TIME TO WATCH HIS FAVORITE SHOW AND FIND HIS CLOTHES! AND WHO ELSE WANTS TO SPANK LEON'S ASS BESIDES ME!? TUNE IN NEXT CHAPTER FOR THE EXCITING ADVENTURES OF CUTE BABY PYRAMID HEAD FUN!_**


	13. Finding Henry's Clothes

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews and I hope everyone had a good holiday.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill, Black Sabbath, TiVo, SpongeBob, or any various gas store chains like the 7-11...etc**

**Rating: This story has alot of crude jokes and humor in it as well as violence and language and brief Henry nudity-you have been warned.**

Peter was getting tired of all these groceries and nice Mister Kaufmann was willing to help out even if he looked a tad scary for some reason and what was powder candy, it was nothing he had never tried before. So, Peter agreed to ride with Mister Kaufmann, lets face it people he is freaking four years old-they should of told him the dangers of riding with strange people or maybe they didn't do it right...

A/N: Let me see here (sets her TiVo on rewind) Ah, here we go...

Heather: Now Peter, we are going to teach you about bad people

Richard: Like me!

Heather: Yes, like Uncle Richard...NO! NO PETER WE DON'T PULL A KNIFE ON HIM! GO TO YOUR CORNER!

Author: Fast forward...here we go...

Heather: Now Peter, when a stranger offers you a ride, what do you say?

Maria: How much and what positions?

Heather: MARIA! That is it I give up you are on your own kid!

A/N: I see where this is going...okay then back to the story...

The groceries are in the back seat and Peter is sitting on the passanger side of the car while Kaufmann is listening to his Black Sabbath tapes in his casette player (he has a very old car) singing along while Peter flinches around restlessly.

Kaufmann: (singing) Run to the hills...Run for your lives...

Peter: I want to listen to a different song...

Kaufmann: Shut up kid! This is my song and if you don't be quiet I am throwing your SpongeBob out out the window you hear me?

Peter: (sadly) Yes sir...where are we going...this isn't the way to the subway station?

Kaufmann: Oh...we are...taking a short-cut...(to himself) yeah that's it (speaking outloud to Peter) A shortcut little guy...now sit tight and behave.

**Meanwhile...uh...I don't know the subway I guess...**

Harry, Walter, and Heather walk down the subway seeing Eileen and Cynthia beating the crap out of each other while Henry is trying to hide his shame behind a metal column. Heather looks utterly bored and would rather play her hand-held game than even get involved with this bout of insanity. The two men run straight across the blown up subway making Henry desperate to conceal himself even more.

Henry: No, don't go any closer, I am naked behind here!

Harry: Come on Henry there is nothing I haven't seen since you got drunk and streaked around naked at Greg Carter's bachelor party with the stripper and the pot-bellied pig

Walter: Woah...way to go Henry! WOOT!

Henry: Shut up!

Walter: (turning to Harry) Man I wish I was there to see that

Harry: I have pictures of it when we get back to the apartment I will show them to you

Walter: SWEET!

Eileen and Cynthia were still going at it punching the living crap out of each other. As a result hairpulling, slapping, clawing, biting, and the occasional insults were thrown.

Eileen: Slut

(SLAP)

Cynthia: Whore

(GAUGE)

Eileen: Skank!

Cynthia: Man-whore

(SLAP SLAP HAIR-PULL)

Eileen: Double skank!

Cynthia: Triple whore!

Eileen: Whore times infinity the queen god of all of whore island!

(RIPPING OF CLOTHES)

Walter is watching from the sidelines.

Walter: Eileen, tell Cynthia that she fucks goats and has goat babies but they are welfare babies and uh...uh...yeah!

Heather suddenly shuts off her game and starts privoting on one foot and then the other looking up at her dad pleadingly.

Heather: O.O I have to go!

Harry: Heather honey we just got here...

Heather: Dad, I have to go to the bathroom!

Walter: But you will miss the catfight and besides you should of thought of that before drinking that 30 oz cup of cherry slushies from the 7-11.

Heather: (is about to cry) DAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYY!

Harry: All right! All right! Just get the hell out of here! GO GO GO GO GOGO!

A little Heather-shaped cloud outline is all that is left as Heather races like roadrunner on speed to the restroom, luckily for her the subway was empty except for the ghosts floating around so there was no one to hold up the lines or the stalls for her to enter. The cloud vanishes as Harry and Walter are left to watch the catfight between Eileen and Cynthia. In which the latter is now kicking Eileen on the floor shouting a few spanish curse words at her.

Cynthia: You forget chica I grew up on the streets so I can kick your smelly skanky ass bitch! (kick kick kick kick) Yeah, how do you like some of those apples huh (kick kick kick kick) And forget about trying to find the key to Henry's clothes because you don't have the balls to get it! (KICK KICK KICK KICK)

Eileen: Someone...get...this...crazy...bitch...off...me... x.x

Walter: I will tave you! (gets out his chainsaw that he kept concealed in his trenchcoat and runs after Cynthia)

Cynthia: Ahhhhhhhhhhh! (runs away)

While Harry goes over and checks to see if Henry is all right, Eileen gets up and watches Walter chase Cynthia with a little look of wistfullness in her eyes, she clasps her hands together and sighs romantically...the big blond scary serial killar coming to her rescue and one day they could get married and...blah blah blah blah blah...Heather on the other hand rushes into the bathroom she thinks she is safe for the moment with no ghosts inside but then a horrifying sight meets her eyes and she lets out a blood chilling scream.

Heather: OH MYGOD MYGOD MYGOD ITS HORRIBLE...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU SICK BASTARD! AHHHHHHHHH!

(the camera zooms over to see James sticking his hand in the toilet)

James: What?

Heather: (points at James) You sicko you are fucking sick...you sick son of a bit-

The sound of a woman screaming and a chainsaw cutting into meaty fleash drowns out the rest of what Heather is saying to James. It lasts for only ten minutes until Heather pants almost trying not to faint from shock.

Heather: Where the hell is your father, he should be beating your ass for this!

James: Daddy and new mommy are on a honeymoon and for some reason I can't go...I wonder why...

We cut to a scene at the Lakeview Hotel where we see a closed door and a sign reading "Do Not Disturb" As we start hearing bedsprings squeaking and the sounds of demonic female orgasims and a man screaming whether it be in fright or pleasure I am too much of a wimp to find out...so I sent another author Darkcomet in to find out...we will hear from him later. Anywho back to the story...

A/N: Hehehehehehehehhehehehehe...(evil laugh)

James: (stupidly) Petey is going to have a new grandmama...! YAYS!

Heather: (pulls the plank and whacks James over with it) God damn you now I can't go because someone else is in the same bathroom with me! Damn you James! Wait...(silence) nevermind...

James: Ewwwwwwwwwwww! (is about to walk away when he suddenly trips on Heather's puddle and falls to the tile unconscience)

Heather: Oops (walks away innocently whistling)

Back outside, was a smeary pool of blood where Cynthia's body was being cut up and sliced thanks to Walter's chainsaw. Henry was trying to cover himself up since Heather was coming back from using the restroom.

Henry: Can I...can I borrow your trenchcoat Walter before Heather comes out and sees this

Walter: What is this a freaking slash story? No you can't its mine get your own!

Henry: But I am naked!

Walter: So, what is your problem you afraid one of us is going to rape you or something?

Henry: Meg has read too many Silent Hill slash stories...I'm scared!

Walter: Wuss

Heather comes skipping out smelling of urine and terror sweat luckily for Harry she washed her hands before coming over and hugging him lovingly.

Heather: Hi daddy

Harry: Heather...what did you do now...?

Heather: Nothing!

Harry: Heather...?!

Heather: Okay, okay, I think I might of killed James.

Eileen: What, no, he is the only guy we need to find Henry's clothes! Led the way Heather.

Heather: Awww do I have to Eileen? That bathroom smells like stale horse water...(everyone glares at her) fine...follow me...

Heather leads them through the subway while Eileen stays behind and gives Cynthia's severed torso a few good kicks she sees something submerged in the thick red blood and leans over to examine it, she picks up a remote control that Cynthia threatened to use on Peter if he tried to save his 'daddy' Henry by pressing the red button that releases a strain of chicken poxs, now, the one thing you alway make sure to do when confronted with a red button is to not under any circumstances push the red-

Eileen: (presses the red button) I wonder what this does?

Author: DAMMIT EILEEN I TOLD YOU NOT TO PRESS THE RED BUTTON! Now we have to cut to Peter's scene...this ought to be fun...

**In Dr. Michael Kaufmann's Car...**

Kaufmann: (sings "Iron Man") Nobody wants him ...He just stares at the world...Planning his vengeance...That he will soon unfurl...

Peter: (sneezes) Ah-choo!

Kaufmann: Shut up

Peter: (coughs politely)

Kaufmann: I said 'shut the hell up' you bastard!

Peter: I don't feels so good...(cough cough cough) I have spots...

Kaufmann: You are going to get 'spots' big deep red ones from my gun if you don't shut up!

If you didn't think it would get any worse they get stuck in traffic

Kaufmann: Son of a bitch!

Peter sits there quietly wiggling his feet around hugging his SpongeBob doll while Kaufmann rubs his face with his hand irritably trying to not slam his forehead into the steering wheel, the song keeps playing, and seeing how Peter didn't listen the first time around he leans over and starts to fiddle with the radio dial. That was when all hell breaks loose. A red mist engulfs Kaufmann as horns burst from the sides of his head and blood-drenched fangs emerge from his mouth, claws as long as Peter's arms grow and bury themselves deep into the thick leather of the wheel and eyes become filled to the brim with a dark fog. He becomes a frightening sight as he turns towards Peter and growls at him.

Kaufmann-Demon: (in a low booming satanic voice) YOU LITTLE BRAT! NOW YOU MUST BE PUNISHED! NO ONE AND I MEAN NO ONE MESSES WITH MY CAR RADIO! PREPARE TO DIEEEEEEEEE!

Kaufmann-Demon grabs Peter's SpongeBob doll and chucks it out the car window onto the streets.

Peter: NO! NO NO NO NO! (sits on his knees and pleads) Please don't hurts me I am just a baby!

Kaufmann-Demon roars

**Back at the subway station**

Walter, Henry (covering up his privates with his hands-ew), Eileen, Heather, and Harry stare down at a unconscience James in the bathroom. Heather was right, it did smell of strong horse water and where did this freashly made puddle come from that was the culprit-Hmmmm, for some reason, Heather did not say.

Walter: (nudges James with his foot and feels his trenchcoat tugged) What the-HENRY QUIT IT!

Henry was taking the corners of Walter's coat and placing it over his nether regions away from Heather's prying eyes. Walter snapped it away from Henry and he was forced to use his own hands again. Poor Henry. Just then, Pyramid Head along with Maria and Claudia came into the bathroom spying James on the ground.

PH: What is going on a gang-rape? Orgy? We going to play 'light as a feather stiff as a board'?

Henry: No, Cynthia stole all my clothes and locked them in a locker somewhere and she put the key in the toilet and we need James awake to fish them out.

PH: Why cant one of you guys do it?

Maria: Because James has always fished stuff for us out of the toilet-ever since we started living together...

(flashback)

James and Maria are in the bathroom together, Maria is sitting on the edge of the shower painting her toenails while James is shaving, she reaches over to put the cap back on the bottle of toenail polish when she accidently looses her grip on the cap and it falls into the toilet bowl.

Maria: Oh James...can you do me a favor...

James lunges towards the toilet on his knees and buries his arm into the nasty toilet water.

Maria: Thank you...

(end flashback)

Claudia: We can't do it without him!

Just then a disembodied voice speaks out that is not me.

Voice: I think I may be able to help...

Everyone looks over and sees the ghost that hit on Eileen earlier floating there in midair behind them.

**_TBC_**

**_Will the ghost help out? Will he want to after being spurned by Eileen? How will Peter get out of his sticky situation and will he get his SpongeBob Doll back? Oh and Darkcomet are you traumatized for going into Frank's honeymoon suite yet? MUAHAHAHAHAHA! More chapters updated soon!_**


	14. Yay! Things get even more nuts!

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews and I hope everyone had a good holiday. SonofSpardaDude may have a point about all the "negative energy" going on, but hey, dosen't people blowing up people and beating the crap out of each other make for a good Silent Hill story? Or at least a humorous one? But lets remember people, there is still love in the air (as Darkcomet found out LOL) but seriously, they wouldn't care about Peter if they didn't spend at least a couple of hours together finding him. With that in mind lets continue shall we?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill, SpongeBob, President Eisenhower (how would I he is dead!) or Peyton Manning (I wouldn't want to anyway)**

**Rating: Contains crude language and humor**

Where we last left our heroes, Cynthia had been hacked to pieces by Walter but not before taking away Henry's clothes because she is a mischeivous little tramp and locked them in a storage locker somewhere, Peter got a ride from Dr. Kaufmann but sadly he learned not to mess with someone's car radio after they have just went through a trip through hell, Frank remarried a demon nurse, and James is once again unconcience, and a ghost from before appears out of nowhere...in the girl's bathroom...

Ghost: Perhaps I can help...

Eileen: Uh, weren't you the one asking me to have sex with you?

Ghost: Yes, I could just possess James and then have him stick his hand in the toilet to get the key, but since you reminded me that you shot me down, I am not going to do it, HAH!

Eileen: Then why did you even come over here?

Ghost: Just to mess with you for not messing with my-

Walter: Hey, there are young people reading this watch your language!

Ghost: Sorry

**Lets peer into Frank's honeymoon suite shall we? We shall!**

Frank and the Demon Nurse are in bed together smoking a cigarette.

Noreen: Who was that guy that came in here a while ago?

Frank: I don't know...pity he didn't want to join us...we could of used a third for naked twister

Noreen: Yeah...so James is...your son?

Frank: Yup, graduated top in his class

Noreen: You're kidding? JAMES!?!

Frank: In Special Education...last month...

Noreen: I see...poor baby...

Frank: I know, I am starting to think I...might have...had...something to do with it...

They look at each other for a minute in silence.

Both: NAH! (and go back to what they were doing)

**Okay that was dull, lets see what has happened to Vincent!**

Vincent is still sitting in the car after annoying the crap out of Eileen, PH, and Claudia. So they tied him up and duct-taped him because just sitting around listening to that guy for a second would be enough to make anyone crazier than they already are.

Vincent: mmmmmmmphhhfff!

A little girl named Laura is piggy-back riding down the sidewalk with her pet mannequinn when she stops it upon seeing Vincent.

Laura: Oh that poor man, lets help him Snowflake!

Snowflake: Honk!

Snowflake and Laura break into Pyramid Head's car and untie Vincent.

Vincent: (gasps) Th-t-thank you...

Laura: Who tied you up, robbers?

Snowflake: Honk?

Vincent: No! My friends, we are trying to find our child named Peter...he is short, just turned four, has a small metal cone on his head?

Laura: Uh, is he like missing or something?

Vincent: No, he is down in the subway station being held captive along with some guy named Henry by a hot latina succubus.

Laura: Then why are you asking his description?

Vincent: (confused) I...I dont really know...I guess its a Silent Hill habit or something...

Laura: Are you on drugs?

Vincent: NO! No (thinks to himself) I wish I was (outloud) No...drugs are bad...don't take them!

Laura: Pfft, whatever man, come on Snowflake lets go to the movies

Snowflake: (honks happily)

As Laura and her pet mannequinn Snowflake run off to the nearest cinema Vincent waves his arm out the window calling out to them.

Vincent: HEY! WAIT...I WANNA GO TO THE MOVIES TO! (silence) Can you at least untie my legs?

Laura is far out his hearing range.

Vincent: Dammit (opens up the car door and crawls out across the highway blacktop towards the open mouth of the subway entrence) Almost...there...almost...ow, stupid broken glass!

**Inside the subway bathroom**

Eileen: You bastard, if you weren't a ghost I would kick your ass, look at poor Henry, he is freezing

Ghost: (looks at Henry and suddenly laughs) AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU BET HE IS FREEZING HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Henry: AHHHHHH! (tries to cover himself up even more) Walter give me your trenchcoat now!

Walter: And for the last time-NO-you're not my fucking date I don't need to give it to you!

Claudia: Awww, Henry here you go, now no one can say I did anything nice to anybody...(gives Henry her robe)

Henry: I don't know, black just isn't my color-

Claudia: Henry take the damn robe or I swear to all mighty god I will rip it off and-

Henry: (quickly takes it) OKAY OKAY OKAY! Uh, thank you...

Claudia: You're welcome

Henry takes the robe and puts it on concealing his au naturalle (or however it is you spell it) as they tried to wake James up again. But the ghost was a total jerkface and kept bothering Eileen and reaching for her boobs, until Walter stepped in and threatened him off with his chainsaw.

Eileen: (sighs romantically) Oh Walter...you are such a man...(hangs onto his arm)

Walter: Heh heh heh...well, there is no shame being chivelous when you are protecting a pretty lady such as yourself...

Eileen: Awwwwwwwww

Henry: Excuse me, 'chivelous' where the hell was that when I asked you for your trenchcoat?

Walter: Geez, what you gay or something? I don't know what kind of slashes MegFallow reads but I don't swing that way buddy...

Henry: (growls) I hate the author

Author: Awwww, poor baby...tee hee...

Just as they were out of the bathroom and into the hallway, they suddenly heard the sound of a heavy object stumbling down the long stairs of the subway entrance and a man screaming all the way down, it turned out to be Vincent who crawled on his hands all the way down falling over the steps the rest of the way to the bottom landing on the bottom stairs filled with cuts and bruises. Claudia walks over to Vincent looking pensively at him

Claudia: I was wondering when you would show up.

Vincent: Stupid brat and her pet forgot to untie my legs...

Claudia: If you ask me you are safer this way.

Vincent: Shut up and untie me.

Claudia: Okay...this is two good deeds I have done today...so keep count everyone! (unties Vincent) there...

Vincent gets up and bushes himelf off throughly peeling a dead flatten possum off his vest much to Claudia's disgust and threw it somewhere in the corner. By that time, the rest of the others had no other alternative but to kick James awake. Since, well, he was already wet and there was no bucket of water around. So PH, Henry, and Eileen started kicking James around his sides hoping to get some responce out of him.

James: (opening his eyes) Huh...ahhhh (curls up into a fetal ball whimpering) no, please don't kick me, I didn't take your superbowl ring Peyton Manning, call your thugs off me...

Eileen: James wake up you're having a bad dream...you have a job to do...

James: Wha-oh...(looks up at everyone) I had a nightmare...(points at Eileen) and you were there...(points at Harry) and you...and you...and...(points at PH) you already been in enough of them...freak...and...

PH: What was I doing in your dream this time?

James: You don't want to know...hey, where's the squirt?

**Oh...where is he indeed...**

Richard was walking along the road seeing a long traffic pile-up. He laughed at the pool souls trapped inside their cars and kept going until he heard a little boy's crying and went to investigate.

Richard: If that is little Walter ready to shoot another stone at my ass with his lame slingshot I am going to pound him into dust...what the-?

But it wasn't Walter's child alter-ego with a slingshot ready to hit Richard on the butt, the crying was coming from the car with black tinted windows where a demonic man had Peter over his knee whacking his little bum with a belt and Peter was crying and waving his arms everywhere. Normally this would cause no feelings in Richard, but something inside of him made him want to go to the little guy's rescue-maybe it was because he had gotten a soft spot for cute little Pyramid Head tot, maybe it was because he too knew what it was like to be smacked by something stronger and older than him (a long lost childhood trauma where he was six years old, President Eisenhower paddle his butt because his mom and dad didn't vote for him) or maybe it was to impress those slutty college cheerleaders standing at the bus station watching him. Yeah, you know those drunk easy ones I am talking about: getting turned one by the next guy who would swoop in and and be mister 'superhero: savior of the day' and then reward the guy with kegs and boobs-yeah, I think it was the last one, don't ask about the President Ike thing...but Richard took a deep breath and stepped bravely over to demonic Dr. Kaufmann.

Kaufmann: I will teach you to (whack whack whack) change my radio station you little brat!

Peter: (crying) NO NO NO THAT HURTS WAAAAAA! WAAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAA! NO SPANKINGS NO SPANKINGS!

Richard: Hey! (hisses venemously) No one...and I mean no one...disciplines that boy but me you son of a bitch...(cracks his knuckles)

Author: Oooooo...

Kaufmann: (slowly looks over with his eyes glowing) You telling me how to do my job?

Richard: Yeah, (takes out his gun) I am...

Kaufmann: (lets go of Peter who is running behind Richard's legs crying) I am going to kich your ass!

Peter: He threw my Spongebob out the window!

Richard: Oh that's it...ITS GO TIME!

Author: (watches from the sidelines eating friend chicken) Oooo, fight! fight! fight! fight!

**Back in the subway...**

The gang was back in the girl's bathroom, standing in front of the stalls, Heather was still playing her game stations and they were all unaware of the fight between Kaufmann and Richard. But I digress. I am sure whatever they are doing is WAY more fun than two guys (one demonic) in a pain-clutched battle to the death, I am sure. Henry was positive that Cynthia had stuck the key into one of the toilets in this bathroom, because well, even as a demon, she was a woman, so it only made sense, at least in this story.

Eileen: Are you sure Henry?

Henry: Well, you think she would use the men's restroom...unless...(he panicks) OH MY GOD SHE IS REALLY A TRANSVESITE!

Everyone: Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

Harry: Gross Henry, why would you let yourself get touched by a transvestite?

Vincent: (shrugs) Meh, it happens...

Claudia: (looks at Vincent strangely) You did not..did you...when?

Vincent: Remember Jimmie Stone?

Claudia: No!

Vincent: Yeah! On Saturdays!

Claudia: No wonder he kept getting into my closet after we had sex

Maria: Oh please, when you're a stripper like I am you see a few yourself-

Henry: OKAY! Can we please just do this?!

Maria: Right, right, right, sorry-James begin...

James stood there in front of the stalls taking a deep breath as if he was bout to partake in a dangerous game of russian roulette, one shot was all it took to make or break it, he closed his eyes and concentrated on which stall toilet the key was hidden at. Slowly he placed his hand over his eyes and with the other made a pointing motion and then swirled around and around in a circle, in a most juvenile way of decision making. He spun around and around and around until he passed out on his stomach with one finger pointing at the stall in the far left corner of the bathroom.

Maria: Okay (she goes over to the stall and opens the door) lets see (peers into the toilet) Yes! The key is in here!

Everyone cheers! James cheers too but is out of breath to keep up with the others.

Heather: Don't get too comfortable James we need you to fish it out still...

James: (groans and barfs from the air sickness)

A Janitor monster crawls past them.

Janitor: I don't care what they call me I am not cleaning that up!

**_TBC_**

**_YAY! They foud the key to the storage locker, now to find the storage locker, which will be covered in next's week's chapter (hint: its not in the subway) and please take no offense anyone that writes Henry/Walter yaoi stories I like them, but I just wanted to make a joke of it because its my own fault for liking them so much and if I didn't do what I did things with Henry being naked might of turned out differently and keep in mind this is not a M-rated fic. And if you think you are out of the woods Darkcomet just you wait-LOL! I have something else in mind for you in this story...so be prepared...Muahahahaha! _**


	15. Beware Eddie's fat dance!

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews sorry for taking so long, but now the time has come to save Peter! Yay! Geez, so many interesting moments happening at once I don't know where to start first...lol! May contain violence, crude humor, and language...please becareful.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill, YouTube, Bob Dylan, or Sailor Moon**

After a couple of minutes in the girl's bathroom, James got up and trudged to the bathroom where Maria pointed at and absentmindly shoved half his arm into the toilet bowl taking out a very wet and smelly key. Everyone cheered including the Janitor monster.

Claudia: (looks at Janitor monster) Uh, what you excited about?

Janitor monster: (leans his head in shame) I just want to be included...

The Janitor monster lurks off.

Claudia: (huffs) loser, anyway, come on Henry lets go find your clothes

Henry: (swirls around in her robe) I don't know I kinda like this...I feel so...comfortable...

Claudia: We're finding your clothes!

Henry: (stops swirling) Fine.

Meanwhile, Kaufmann and Richard began their fight as people watched from their cars possibly because there was nothing else to do in the traffic jam. Actually, if we look up straight ahead we can see what is holding up traffic...

Angela is laying in the middle of the road with her knife poised to stab herself or whatever.

Angela: (singing Bob Dylan over the sound of honking cars) This is the end...my only friend...the end...

Man: (off screen) GET OFF THE ROAD!

Down below the subway the sound of honking cars could be heard by the others as they move along the subway up the stairs.

Walter: What is going on up there a mannequinn herd passing by or something?

Victor: Nah, mannequinns honks are more short with little breaks in the middle whereas this honk is more-

Eileen: Okay Jack Hanna we get the picture.

Vincent: I will shut up now

Henry was growling at Walter jealously as Eileen drapped her arm over his staring wistfully into his eyes. Out of all the nerve, he becomes mister "hero" when it comes to Eileen but when poor abused Henry needs help he accuses him of being gay! JERK!

A/N: I think Walter is a lot of things but not a jerk...seriously...(whispers) he has a chainsaw with him right now...

Suddenly they hear the sounds of men and women screaming in shock.

Man: Oh my god what is he doing to him!

Woman: No Timmy don't look!

Man: Ewwww...I think I am going to throw up!

Pyramid Head stops

PH: Sounds like someone is doing something gross like...torture...(excitidly) be right back!

Pyramid Head runs up the subway happily hoping that he didn't miss what was going on. Once he reaches the top of the stairs to the entrace he stops and screams in horror along with the rest of the witnesses terrorized by the sight of...DUN DUN DUNNNNN-Eddie dancing in a speedo!

Woman: SOMEONE MAKE THE PAIN STOP!

Pyramid Head: (places his hands over his head) MY EYES! MY EYES! I AM BLINDED BY SHOCK! NOOOOOOOOO!

Five cars rows up Richard and Kaufmann along with Peter who is hiding behind a bench watch the large group of people screaming and committing suicide before them. They just shrugged and got back to thier defensive stances while I feel the compelling urge to play the themesong from "The Good the Bad and the Ugly" here I go...

A/N: (tries to whistle the themesong but it dosen't seem to come out right because she can't whistle) ...ugh...god I suck...

Kaufmann: I am going to rip you out a new one buddy!

Richard: Yeah? Well I bet it would be bigger than yours Mister Shrinky-Dink! HAHAHAHAHA!

Kaufmann: Its on now...AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kaufmann lunges at Richard and slashes him across the face knocking him down, Peter runs over to Uncle Richard, but he shooes Peter away to hide back behind the bench, then he takes out his gun and starts firing at Kaufmann who is flying in the air dodging his bullets. In a building behind thier battle arena, little Walter climbs to the top of the roof and looks down at Richard and Kaufmann fighting. He has in his hand a slingshot and a bag filled with glass and rocks.

Wally: Chase me away from mommy will he? (takes out a piece of glass and turns it on its side) we will see about that.

Wally fires at Richard but at that moment Kaufmann's left wing gets in the way and it hits him causing him to loose his balance and fall on top of his car with a huge crash.

Wally: DAMMIT I MISSED! (hears a beeping sound from his mickey mouse watch) Uh oh better get back to my second job in Darkcomet and schieberjoe's fics...(yells) We will meet again Richard Braintree! Oh yeah, and you're a stupid face!

Wally disappears in a puff of smoke.

Kaufmann: Ahhhh my back! It hurts...someone get me a chiropractor!

Richard: I got a better idea (takes out his cellphone) here Peter, you can help your Uncle Richard...

Peter walks up to him looking courious, Richard hands him the cellphone and opens it up.

Richard: See, this is where you press the button for the recorder (he then goes over and pries the glass shard out of Kaufmann's wing) lets get to skinning.

So Richard happily began to skin Michael Kaufmann alive while Peter recorded the whole incident on the cellphone and went home to the apartment to put it on YouTube.

A/N: Uhhhhhhhhh...yeah...

Back at the apartment in room 302, Richard is at Henry's computer downloading the video on the internet while Peter is sitting on his lap.

Richard: The camera work is a little wobbly kiddo

Peter: (sadly) I sworrys

Richard: (smiling-OH MY GOD HE SMILED AND ITS NOT CREEPY SOMEBODY CALL THE NEWSPAPERS!) Don't worry kiddo, its your first time, once you get older and have alot of practice you will get the hang of it.

Peter: Yay!

A/N: Okay, I better get out of here before I start making Richard TOO goddamn nice...

Meanwhile, Eddie is still dancing around in his speedo watching people kill themselves as to not watch anymore of this horrible sight.

Eddie: Hahahhahahaha, my plan is finaly working with Angela holding up the traffic there is no way anyone can escape my jiggly wiggly jello belly dance of doom I can kill more people this way and save on tons of bullets, this is my best plan yet!

He is so busy he dosen't see the others coming out of the subway station and lay wittness to Eddie's disgusting dance. Remember, he is the fat one in Silent Hill 2 so imagine all that fat and bulge hanging from his speedo and OH GOD! (vomits) Pretty soon, they start screaming as well and James picks up a broken beer bottle and raises it to his face.

James: (shaking) Must...gauge...out...eyes!

Maria: James no I will shield you!

Maria takes James's head with her hands and smashes his face straight in between her breasts there is a soft squishly sound which Heather notices right away.

Heather: Oh my god what was that?

Maria: Oh, that, (looks down at her wet blouse) I must of forgotten I had a sandwich under there my bad

Heather: Whew, for a second there I thought your implants exploded again (turns to Eddie) That is it, its time to end this once and for all...

Claudia: (seeming shocked) No Heather, not that, don't let it come to this!

Heather: WE HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE!

Eileen: 'We' We didn't ask for this!

Heather takes out the jewel sceptor (Ooooooooh) and waves it around little starry dust and magical twinkling swirl around her as she glares at Claudia, Maria, and Eileen to do the same. With heavy sighs of defeat they take out their own sceptors and wave it around like Heather though they look less enthustastic than she does. In a flash of light and magic the four woman of Silent Hill become...the SAILOR SCOUTS OF SILENT HILL! YAY! All at once little girls start to flock around and cheer.

Girl: I love Sailor Moon!

Vincent: I love to do Sailor Moon

Girl2: (gasps) He dishonored Sailor Moon

Laura: Lets get him girls!

Vincent: (runs off) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Pretty soon, Vincent is chased down the streets by a mighty pack of ravenous little nine to twelve year olds with torches and pitchforks. But the rest of the men just stand there and let the girls pass them by.

James: Wow, and I thought I was going to say something dumb...Hey, its SpongeBob! Hi SpongeBob!

PH, Harry,Henry, and Walter look over where James is waving cheerfully at Peter's stuffed inanimate SpongeBob Doll.

Vincent is seen being chased up a telephone pole surrounded by angry little girls.

Vincent: Spare me!

**Meanwhile...**

Heather is dressed up in a Sailor Moon-type outfit while Maria is dressed up in a Sailor Venus type outfit. Eileen appears wearing a Sailor Jupitor outfit as Claudia comes out wearing-

Claudia: (to the author) Don't say IT!

A Sailor Uranus outfit...

PH/Walter/Harry/Henry: LOL!

Claudia: Oh grow up!

PH: (snickers) Uranus...

Soon everyone else is laughing

Claudia: (stares at Heather angerily) I hate you!

Heather stops her laughing and stands in a female anime heroic fashion, Maria and Eileen do the same behind Heather but Claudia is hiding her face in her hands she grumbles as the men keep laughing over her Sailor scout name. Eddie overhears the sound of laughter and becomes hostile thinking they are laughing at him and not Claudia he gets into a fighing positions as he looks on at his old arch nemesis...SAILOR HEATHER!

**TBC**

**Will the (heh heh heh) "Sailor Scouts" defeat Eddie and hopefully find Henry's clothes and will Maria get a clean blouse and salvage her sandwhich, find out next time! The Chapter will end pretty soon with Peter making a touch decision for such a young age Awwwww**


	16. Heather and her Sailor sluts

**A/N: Sorry for the delay, we had a power outage so as you can see no power means no internet. Anyway, I am sorry that everyone had to suffer because of Eddie's dance of doom, but fear not, Heather and her slutty dressed sailor scouts are here to ease your pain (uh non-sexually that is sorry guys) anyway, back to the show! I haven't seen it since Seventh grade, but I am not sure if there is really a sailor uranus in there or not and if so what was her power again? PM me if you have the answer, and speaking of answers LeonKennedyissoingaweso...'s** **question I hope this provides some explaination to your inquirey.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill, Saw, or Sailor Moon.**

Heather and her "sailor scouts" got into fighting positions. The lights coming from thier anime background transformation scenes (you know the ones I am talking about) got Eddie's attention and he put his clothes back on then turned around to face his opponents.

Eddie: What the...woah, you guys are hot!

Heather: Flattery will get you nowhere (moves her boobs back and forth to the sound of her voice dramatically) Now...LETS KICK SOME BUTT!

Vincent: God I love it how she does that (drools pervertly)

Harry: Hey, that is my daughter you're talking about! (punches Vincent in the nose and blood splatters everywhere)

Vincent: Oh my god! I'm bleeding!

PH: (watching half-heartidly) Its just yur nose Vincent just tilt it back

As bets are being placed as to who will win the sailor scouts get into position and start to attack Eddie who fights back with his belly flopping attacks but Sailor Venus-Maria leaps up and strikes a good blow to the head with a roundhouse kick. Sailor Jupitor-Eileen draws the antenna from her head band and blasts a blow of electricity at Eddie zapping him until his hair sticks up.

Eddie: Ahhhh! Oh my god I just felt my heart beat! I haven't felt that since third grade!

Sailor Uranus-Claudia stands there as the other two: Jupitor and Venus wail on Eddie's fat ass. Before long Sailor Moon-Heather lands right beside her.

Claudia: Uh...Heather, what is my power again?

Heather: I don't know, uh...try shooting fire or something.

Claudia: (does a few hand gestures and nothing happens) No fire...dammit Heather you gave me the crappy one!

Behind them Eddie seems to be getting the upper hand throwing Eileen and Maria around with his belly slams. But they keep landing on their feet and lunging foreward to go in for the next attack as Claudia and Heather argue.

Heather: I did not give you the 'crappy' one there is no crappy one just a lesbian one!

Claudia: Then I am the lesbian one?

Heather: Not really...I mean...if we were in the Japaneses version you would

Claudia: I hate you!

Heather: (side-tracking from Claudia's glare) Uh yeah...that's great...Oh look the others need help I must go to them!

Bounds off into the fight. The men on the other hand are standing there watching the fight going on, Vincent has his head tilted back and Henry is shivering because the robe Claudia gave him isn't at all that warm to begin with. As they stand there bored a thought crosses PH's mind.

PH: Something tells me we've forgotten something...

**Cut to Room 302**

Sitting on the couch are Richard and Peter watching a movie, the movie is none other than "Saw" and from the looks of it Peter is starting to feel a little bit scared and is covering his eyes during the gross scenes.

Peter: Its it over?

Richard: Nope, this tape is around 129 minutes long.

The door bell rings

Richard: Chinese is here...(gets up off the couch and heads to the door)

Peter is still sitting on the couch shivering with his eyes covered as another victim is brutally murdered.

**Back to the streets **

Eileen: Dammit...he is too strong...OW!

Eileen gets clobbered by Eddie and thrown into the direction of Heather and Maria landing on top of them both.

Heather: Okay Claudia do your stuff!

Claudia: Finally!

After getting tired of standing around and doing nothing whilest the others were kicking and getting ass kicked, Claudia stretched her arms out and bluish green aura shined around her body, in a matter of minutes her body levitated up into the air and the entire area around them exploded in a beam of light. When the dust cleared Eddie was knocked flat on his ass as was the rest of the male characters in the background. A minute later, James jumps up to his feet and bounces up and down wildly while he has a bleeding headwound on the left side of his skull that is spraying blood and gore all over the other men.

James: WOOT! THAT WAS AWESOME! LETS DO IT AGAIN!

Vincent: (crawls to his feet) Ugh, I think my nose is bleeding again...wait, that isn't my blood on my vest...ew James, quit it!

Pyramid Head: James, don't you realize that you are bleeding from the head at a alarming rate and might be suffering from brain damage?

James: (whining like a five-year old) And do you realize that your...uh...stupid!

Harry: (whispers to Henry) Is he suffering from brain damage now, should we tell Frank about this?

Henry: Like Frank is going to ever tell the difference?

Harry: (looks over at James drooling) Good point.

Heather: (removes her tiara) Okay bitch...kiss your fat ass goodbye!

Heather does her sailor moon throwing gesture and swings it at Eddie before he could make a break for it, the tiara sails easily like a boomerang-right into Eddie's crotch.

Eddie: O.O HOLY SHIT THAT HURTS!

He falls to his knees grabbing his cup as Walter cheers.

Walter: Yay!

Eddie: You fucking cheaters! You dirty bitches! You don't hit below the belt...gawd! That freaking smarts! (rolls to his side) Okay...okay...I think I am going to pass out...oooooooh, oh the pain the pain of it all...

Heather, Eileen, Maria, and Claudia change back into their normal clothes but not before Vincent snaps a picture of them in their sailor outfits and sticks it in his back pocket to use for nude photoshop fun. The four woman stand around Eddie as he moans and bitches about being hit in the crotch.

Eddie: Ahhh...damn...ouchie...ouchie...you guys suck...I hate you all...

Maria: Are you done yet?

Eddie: Just one more...okay...Ahhhhh! Oh my groin! You will pay! You will pay dearly!

Disappears into a fat sweaty oblivion...

Heather: Just another job well done for the Silent Hill Sailor Scouts...right girls?

Maria/Eileen/Claudia: (unhappily in unison) Right...

Claudia: (coughs)yousuckHeather(cough)

Walter runs into Eileen's arms and they start making out.

Henry: Can we PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE find my clothes!?

James: I like bunnies...

Maria: (whacks James with the plank) Shut up you retard!

Vincent: Hey Pyramid Head aren't you a spear welder or a big knife guy?

PH: (defensively) EXCUSE ME!?!!

Grasps Vincent by the throat and lifts him up off the floor.

PH: What are you trying to imply?!

Vincent: No, its not what you think, I saw your son kill a department store Santa Claus with a pointy candy cane pole like a spear and since you weld a big knife I just got to wondering why he is so good at spears and yet you use a knife...please...don't go Anna or Anne or 'whatever that chick's name was that you skinned" on me...!

PH: Because I caught my mannequinn woman screwing with the Red Pyramid spear guy behind my back and got a kid out of it-Peter-but he will be MY SON forever! Muahahahahhahaha!

Vincent: Okay...can you put me down now?

PH: No...(walks over carrying Vincent towards Henry) Where do you think Cynthia would hide your clothes.

Henry: I don't know...

Vincent: Hey, this isn't so bad, walking is for losers anyway...onward Pyramid Head!

PH: Shut it priest!

Vincent: (meekly) Y-y-y-yes sir...

Suddenly a young man is walking into the crowd when he spots Walter from behind making out with Eileen and walks quietly up to him, the young man can only see Walter's long blond hair and not his face. The man taps lightly on Walter's shoulder to get the serial killar's attention.

Man: Excuse me ma'am?

Walter stops kissing Eileen and turns to face the young man who freaks over his mistake.

Man: Oh my freaking god! I am sooooo sorry, I seriously, I seriously thought you were a woman...my mistake...

Walter: Uh...you are like the fourth who has said that to me this week...what is it?

Man: I was wondering if you know who this man is? (pulls out a wallet) the driver's liscence says "Henry Townsend"?

Henry: That's me!

Man: Yeah well, your clothes are in my basement and-

Henry: Did you hear that guys, lets go! (he runs with the folds of Claudia's robe trailing around him)

The others are in quick pursuit behind Henry but another rush of wind comes up and suddenly there is screaming and averting of one's eyes.

Harry: Geez, Henry, if you are going to run in front of us cover up!

Man: (finishes roughly) -AND ITS IN A HAUNTED HOUSE-damn, I hope they heard me...oh well...I least I got that guy's money

The young man walks off counting the cash in his hands happily in the opposite direction of our heroes.

**In Room 302...**

Richard opens the door and a delivery man stands there with a bag full of hot tasty chinese food.

Delivery Man: Okay Mister Braintree that will be $ 23.76 plus tip

Richard pulls out his gun and points it at the delievery man's face.

Richard: (grinning evily) I am sorry what was that again?

Delivery Man: (nervously) Uh...its on the house...good luck! (runs like a pansy)

**Meanwhile**

Still being held up by the throat Vincent is being dragged along by Pyramid Head and unfortunely is getting "accidently" slammed into every mailbox they pass.

Vincent: (SLAM) Dammit! (SLAM) Ow-son of a-(SLAM) -bitch (SLAM) Okay, you can put me down now...mister(SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM) -HEAD SIR? PLEASE?! (SLAM) Owww my beautiful face!

Pyramid Head is chuckling under his breath at Vincent's pain.

PH: This will be most entertaining until we get there...

**_TBC_**

**_Oh dear, we are so close to the end, will Richard ever pay for take-out? Will they find Henry's clothes, will Henry realize the money in his wallet was stolen, will Walter get his hair cut short? All this and more on Cute Baby Pyramid Head fun!_**


	17. Attack of the ChestMonster

**A/N: Okay everyone! The next chapter! Woot! Where everything will be wrapped up in a nice little package-I hope...On with the show!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill**

**Rating: The usual warnings but beware this chapter may be a little TOO scary for the young ones Muahahahahhahahahahaha!**

In a dark mansion high on the top of a rocky hill James, Henry, Pyramid Head, Maria, Eileen, and the rest entered the basement of the manor through the storm cellar. Now they were walking through a dank smelly passageway with only one lighter to guide their way. And no sense of directions for the passageway was a honey-comb labryinth where monsters and other various creatures stalked their every move. A soft moaning could be heard around every corner sounding as if someone was doing a mock imitation of a ghost.

James: BoooooOOOOOOOoooooooo!

Eileen: James shut the hell up!

James: Fine...(stops making ghostly wails)

Suddenly they heard a high-pitch scream of a woman Harry holding the lighter looked to see who was screaming.

Harry: Its okay sweetie...daddy is here...

Vincent: (shivering) thanks Harry...

Harry: That was you screaming?

Vincent: No! (three seconds later) Okay it was me...

Heather: Hahahahaha you scream like a whiney girl!

Harry: Why were you screaming?

Vincent: Because I just saw a rat eating one of its dead buddies

Everyone: ewwwwww

Vincent: Uh, (clutches Pyramid Head) hold me!

PH: (drops Vincent to the ground roughly) No.

Vincent still scared of the dark passageways covered in blood and claw marks hugs Claudia around her right leg leaving her to hobble behind the rest of the group walking unsteadily trying to keep her balance due to a whimpy priest grabbing her leg whom was whinning at the image of cryptic threats and macabre symbols written in intestines stuck to the wall by its own vital fluids.

Eileen: It should be up ahead you guys...Woah, what the-?

Claudia: What is it-ah! (trips and falls flat on her face)...Eileen?

Eileen: There is a chest right in the middle of the passageway.

Vincent: (springs up) CHEST? YOU MEAN A-

Eileen: -a 'box' Vincent a plain wooden box...with a lock, hey, this might be it Henry!

Henry: Finally!

A/N: Yaaaaaaaaay! That was shortly lame, my apoligizes

Maria: So, lets open it!

Henry uses the key on the chest and sure enough there are his clothes (cue "halleluah" music) and quickly gets them back on his body and throws the robe over to Claudia.

Henry: I feel so secure again...

Walter: Don't we all

James walks over to a wall and hits it with his shoes a couple of times before turning to his friends.

James: This is a jip, this is suppose to be a haunted house, where is the scariness?

Heather: I hate to say it but I agree with James there is no horror here...just some unsanity walls...

Just then by the grace of the writer once again, a slicky, fleshy, pus-covered wave of tendrils come out of the chest and whip around the heads of our heroes leaving them to scream out in unbridled terror. Including the Pyramid Head who thinks they look like worms and there is a secret that is revealed.

PH: BUGS! BUGS! BUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSS!

Claudia: WHAT!?!?!

PH: ARE THOSE THINGS FREAKING WORMS!?

Claudia: I uh-

PH: (grabs Claudia and shakes her wildly) ARE THEY OR AREN'T THEY!? I HATE BUGS! I HATE HOW THEY CRAWL ON YOUR BODY EW EW EW EW!

Pyramid Head still clutching Claudia falls to his knees crying like a huge baby saying over and over in a wimpy voice, "I HATE BUGS I HATE BUGS!" Until Claudia wiggled her arms out of his grip and backhanded Pyramid Head across his rather hard metallic cone head-er face-er whatever.

Claudia: Get a hold of yourself! You are the Pyramid Head! You're not suppose to be afraid of bugs or worms, and they are not worms they are monsterous tendrils.

Pyramid Head: (suddenly stops crying) Oh monster tendrils, well they didn't you say so Claudia, okay then, (gets to his feet happily holding his huge knife) stand back everyone I am going to-Aww, shit!

One of the chest-monster's mighty tendrils wrapped around PH's huge knife and pulled it into the bottom of the trunk where in place of a bottom was a large circular mouth filled with teeth which were hard enough to chew the large blade into nothing but silvery toothpicks. It made a gross sluppy sound as it devoured Pyramid Head's weapon and when it was done it spit out the handle with a loud burp sailing it straight towards James and hitting him between the eyes knocking him out cold.

Vincent: Ooh (motioning towards the chest-monster) he's good.

Chest-Monster: excuse me...okay...now to eat all of you!

Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (everyone is getting picked up (including James's motionless body) by the tendrils and being drawn towards its slobbering mouth)

Harry: This is the end...well Heather I guess we will at least die together...

Heather: Oh my god! (wails) not only am I going to die a virgin but I am going to die the same time as my dad! THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!

Vincent: (wails alongside Heather) I AM GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN TOO!

The Chest-Monster laughs evily.

Everyone: (screaming louder)

Eileen: Walter, quick, where is your chainsaw?

Walter: I uh...I...I left it at the subway station...

Eileen: You what!?!

Henry: Not so tough now aren't you (tendril slams him against a wall) OWWW!

Walter: You deserved that one Henry.

Maria: Oh if only someone would send us some help...(clears throat) I SAID: "I HOPE SOMEONE CAN SEND US SOME HELP!" HEY WRITER ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!

Author: Okay okay okay just let me wipe the icing off my fingers-geez can't even enjoy a decent snack in my own living room...okay...then...here we go!

**Meanwhile in Henry's apartment...**

Peter and Richard are eating their chinese food and finishing up the rest of the movie "Saw" which is seriously warping Peter's fragile little mind. When suddenly Peter bolts up from the couch and runs around in circles.

Richard: Hey! What the crap, I haven't even given you the crystal meth yet-uh I mean 'pop rocks' whats the problem?

Peter: daddy Henry and mommy Eileen are in trouble!

Richard: Where?

Peter: I don't know...I have to go!

Richard: Bathroom is to your left-

Peter: No, I mean, I have to go save them!

Richard: But kiddo, we are in here and they are out there how the hell are you going to accomplish that feat?

Peter sits on his little chair and thinks for a moment then a red filmy lightbulb lights up over his head.

Peter: I have a idea! (reaches up and turns off the light)

Richard: (shakes his head) God, I have to lay off the LCD...I could of sworn I saw a little red bulb flash on top of your head Peter.

Peter: No, it was really there...now, I must go to my room!

Peter runs into Henry's laundry room which was designed to be his nursary and took out a crayon, he knelt down and drew the sun symbol on the carpet. Richard peers in to see this but whereas dosen't stop the pyramid head toddler from damaging Frank Sunderland's property, the drawing after Peter is finished starts to glow and Peter gets sucked into the floor like he is drowing in furry green quicksand going down and down until the top of his cone head is gone and he vanishes. Richard just shrugs and sits back on the couch with his scary movie, his chineses food, and then takes out the acid from behind the couch and starts to do his LCD trip.

**Back in the haunted...uh...basement...**

The chest monster is drawing our heroes ever so closer to its hungry mouth when from out of the wall comes Peter the pyramid head toddler. Everyone looks over to see Peter staring defiantely at the chest monster as he takes out a rock from his overalls front-pocket and hurls it at the monster hitting it in the keyhole lock which was its crotch (don't ask) and roared in such pain that he dropped his meals one by one.

PH: Ahhh, my leg!

Peter: DADDY! (runs over to PH) Its okay daddy! I am here!

Chest-monster: ROOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

Henry: Hey Peter what about me! (finds himself underneath James's comatose body unable to move)

Peter: (looks at Henry and then at his biological father) Uh...uh...

Chest-Monster: Rooooooaaaaaarrrrr!

Peter: I guess it time for me to choose...

The Chest-Monster being unable to move because he has no legs stands there waving his tendrils around roaring over the sound of Peter's voice. While Henry is squirming under James's heavey weight and tries to push him off. During this whole time gay sappy music starts to play as Peter makes a bold decision.

Peter: Well...you guys have been so nice to take care of me and teach me things...but...I don't belong in your world, I am a Pyramid Head and I must be with my own kind...

Chest-Monster: Rooooooooaaaaarrrrrrr

Peter: ...and so...I must...

Chest-Monster: Rooooaaarrr...

Peter: Be...

Chest-Monster: Rooooooaaaaar

Peter: With...

Chest-Monster: Roooooaaaaar...

Peter: (turns to Chest-Monster) SHUT THE _**BLEEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP**_UP!

Everyone: (gasps)

Eileen: PETER!

Peter: I am sworry...I am sorry for saying that word...

Henry: (whispers to Pyramid Head) hanging around Uncle Richard again.

PH: Oh...so son...

Chest-Monster: Roooooooaaaaaaaaarrrr!

PH: (smashes the chest-monster into a million pieces with his fists) There, that takes care of that!

Walter leans over and examines the dead chest-monster nudging it with his foot.

Walter: Why didn't you do that when we were being captured by that thing's tendrils?

PH: I dont know I guess it didn't come to me.

A/N: I kick James in the side until he awakens.

James: What happened are we dead? Will I see Muffins in heaven? I didn't leave a disgusting corpse did I?

Maria: James, you're alive...think about it, if you were dead you wouldn't talk right?

James: I don't know...would I see Muffins?

Maria: (to herself)Yeah, he is okay.

Peter: Daddy, I choose you! (jumps up and hugs him)

Everyone/Me: Awwwwwwwwww!

Eileen: Aww but Peter are you sure?

Peter: Yes, you all have been so nice to me and teaching me things but I am a Peeyremid Heads I have to be with my kind but...we can all be friends, right?

Heather: Sure

Walter: Yeah

Claudia: (nods) That sounds great...

Vincent: Hehehehhe, sounds like you said "pee" -(gets kicked by Heather) OW!

Peter runs up to Henry and Eileen

Peter: You were the best mommy and daddy I ever had! Here, I made this picture for you!

(Peter gives them a picture in crayon of Eileen falling into a large sharply metallic revolving wheel in a pool of blood and Henry getting hacked to pieces by Walter)

Eileen/Henry: O.o

Henry: Uh thanks Peter...we will...(looks at Walter nervously) keep it forever.

Peter: Yay!

**_TBC_**

**_Awwwwww, Peter is going to go home to his biological father and live amongst the other Pyramid Heads in Silent Hill, tune in for the next and last EPILOGUE of the story to see everything and everyone wrapped up nicely in a neat little ending. See ya laters!_**


	18. Everything is wrapped Up

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews-The EPILOGUE to our story! I am glad everyone enjoyed this story when I first started out it was based off a picture I saw on deviantart and it made me wonder "What if the women of Silent Hill saw a baby pyramid head" well...then I got this and I didn't realize how quickly it took off faster than my other stories. So here it is, but fear not for those whose appetites are not satisfied for more a sequel will be coming soon. But for now lets wrap this up shall we?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill, Hellsing, and/or The Brady Bunch.**

And with the magical door of death, Peter left with his father (his real father that actually looks like him) leaving the rest of the gang to come out the way they came through the creepy passageway towards the cellar door. Eileen and Walter are walking hand-in-hand while Heather is skipping along like a schoolgirl on crack. Everything is right for the moment when just then Heather who is up in the front of the group slams into a young girl that looks a tad like her with the same whispy short haircut but with strawberry blond hair instead of bleach blond hair. The girl is wearing a blue police uniform with a short mini skirt.

The force of the collison causes both the girl and Heather to fall flat on thier backs. Giving Vincent some time to try and see up the police girl's skirt. Which soon ends once they come to and both get back on thier feet.

Seras: Owwww! What the-oh hello there where did you guys come from?

Harry: Silent Hill, who are you?

Seras: Seras Victoria from the Hellsing Organization, me and my Master are here to find some strange creatures that they been going around causing trouble and hurting people.

Maria: What have they been doing?

Seras: Huge coney-headed monsters that disrupt the flow of traffic by slowing down making people pissed off and smashing people's headlights, in other words "commiting traffic violations" have you seen them?

James: (blurts out) Yeah! I know who you are talking about Sarah-

Seras: "Seras"

James: -whatever, yeah, we just saw them a while ago, in fact, we were taking care of one of these coney-headed fellas that you were mentioning, his name was Peter and he was cute! He was a baby Pyramid Head which is what they are called and-MPHAMMAMMMPH MPPPPPPMMMMMMPH!

Maria takes out a pillow and puts it over James face suffercating him until he passes out in her arms.

James: X.X

Maria: Sorry about that, James is from a er 'Special school' where they don't understand well...everything...

The area becomes darker than usual and a tall handsome man with black-hair emerges from the shadows wearing a red overcoat and hat with shiny specs. He has too guns in his hands and last but not least wears a insane chesire grin that enhances the presence of his fangs. He stands behind Seras tipping his hat to some of the women in the group with a gentlemen flourish.

Seras: Oh good Master you are here...they say they haven't seen the pyramid heads around here...

Alucard: That is funny, because I smelled them here a while ago, you wouldn't be lying to us wouldn't you people?

Vincent: (trying to act tough at Alucard) And what if we were?

Maria steps foreward looking over Alucard up and down with her lusty eyes twirling her hair with her fingers seductively.

Maria: Now Vincent be nice...yes they were here but they left, you missed them, (circles around Alucard sashaying her hips) So good-looking how about you and me go to the top floor into this bedroom and have a bit of-AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY BOOBS!

Poor Maria, she learns the hard way not to turn her back on Alucard (or make him hot and heavy when he is working) finds herself grabbed up by him and quickly sinks his fangs into Maria's chest spraying blood everywhere: on his face, on the walls and on Seras and Heather as well as a few of our heroes in the front.

Seras: Mmmmm a snack (motions over to Maria's twitching corpse)

Alucard: (moves away from Seras) NO SHE'S MINE GET YOUR OWN YOU DAMN HOG!

Seras: O.O' y-y-y-yes 'master'

A/N: Awww isn't Seras cute when she gets freaked out?

Henry: ewwww, now I have to take a shower!

Claudia: (trying to wring the blood from her robe) Can we go please!?

James wakes up and sees Alucard sucking the blood from Maria's boobs.

James: (waves) Hey man, how is it going?

Alucard: (gives him a blood-soaked thumbs up while he is still feeding)

James: (not even paying attention to Maria's distress) that is cool...

Five minutes later, Alucard is finished and his entire face is so covered in blood he can't hardly see for the blood has built up on his glasses.

Alucard: (waving around blindly) come on Seras lets go!

Through the sanguinious fog he accidenly takes Heather by mistake thinking its Seras and drags her through the shadows.

Heather: O.O DAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYY!

Harry: Don't worry sweetie I am coming!

Harry desperately flies towards the wall where Alucard disappears from but the wall becomes solid again and Harry's face is smashed up painfully against the brick.

Harry: Owwww my nose, now I will never be beautiful!

Vincent: (imitating Jan) Its always Harry-_HARRY HARRY HARRY!_

A/N: Taking no more of this Brady crap I strongly bitch-slap Harry and Vincent back to thier old selves.

Harry: (no broken nose) Oh my god that was horrible! Lets never do that again!

Author: You're telling me...

Vincent is busy being his old self by tying up and ducttapping Seras then throwing her over his shoulder.

Vincent: I don't care what you say I am taking this home!

Seras: Mmmmmmmmmmmph! O.O

**YAY! We're now back at Ashfield Heights where everyone (minus Heather) is entering apartment 302 safe and sounds.**

Harry has James over his shoulder while Vincent has Seras drapped over him in the same fashion. As Harry takes James over to the couch where a buzzed out Richard is dozing and lays him roughly right on top of Richard and sits down in the lazy chair reading a magazine.

James: (mumbling incorhently) Mmmmmmmm...mister snuggles...you are soft...(touches Richard's face) soooooo cuddly...

Richard: (wakes up) Huh...what...AHHHHHHHHH!

Richard shoves James off of him to the floor.

Henry: Wow, that was some trip! I better check my answering machine.

He goes over to the counter and sees that there is a green light flashing which means that he has a message or two. He presses the button and listens:

Answering Machine: _you have 45 messages...message 1:Frank: Hey guys its Frank-_

Everyone: (simutaneously)"Hi Frank!"

_Frank: How is everyone...I hope Peter is doing okay, I will come by later tonight with presents from my honeymoon trip in the Bahamas see you all soon!_

Answering Machine: message 2: _hello, this is Henry, calling to remind myself not to let Eileen eat all that cassole tonight because she is getting a little chubby around the-_

Henry: (laughs nervously as Eileen looks angerily at him)

Answering Machine: (continues) _-middle, and also here is one of your daily self-esteem pick-me-ups: No matter what anyone espically Richard says, you are a good person with lovely qualities, a handsome, smart, generous fellow that every man and woman would be happy to have around-_

Henry: (shifty eyes) Uh lets skip this one right here...

Walter: (smirking) Oh no Henry...lets hear more...(chuckles)

Answering Machine: (continues) _-and don't be afraid to tell Walter Sullivan that he is a no good mother-incest-loving, filthy, stupid piece of-_

Walter: WHAT THE HELL HENRY!?!

Henry takes out his bat and smashes his answering machine to pieces to ensure that Walter (who was standing RIGHT NEXT TO HIM hearing it) didn't pick up the rest of the bashing from someone who would soon be his arch-enemy.

Walter: (muttering to himself) He is dead...and Eileen will soon be mine...

Henry: (panting deeply as he smashes what is left of his answering machine) So...(blinks) who wants waffles for dinner?

Richard: (looks around the apartment) Hey, where did Peter go, I thought he would come back after he saved you guys.

Eileen: He went back to live with his real father in Silent Hill.

Richard: (eyes began to tear up) What...he...(sniff sniff) he...he is gone...but...I was starting to like the little shithead...

Richard falls to his knees and cries.

James: (watches Richard cry) Pfft pansy...

The door opens and Frank stands there with his new wife Noreen carrying her suitcase and a bag full of presents.

Frank: I am home! (sees Richard crying) What is with him?

In another room Vincent is sitting at a table enjoying a candlelit dinner with a tied and gagged Seras Victoria

Vincent: Soooooooooo (pours the vampire fledgling some wine) tell me about yourself?

Seras: O.O mphpppppppppmmmmmmmmpppppppppppfffffff!

**THE END**

**I am so glad you guys (espically you Darkcomet) enjoyed my story and I hope I didn't offend any Hellsing characters by making Alucard and Seras OOC I just wanted to see if I could put them in a fic of mine and I guess I could. But if I do write a Hellsing fanfic on here rest assure it would be more accurate than what I got. Thank you reviewers and readers for your comments and praise-it couldn't be done without you! takes a bow**


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